Up at four-thirty why?

Well, I was having a crazy dream very crazy. I'm trying to change my thoughts and I don't think it's working. I don't really want to be up at this time of the morning but I'm wide awake for a change. I have almost finished my first cup of coffee. I have my psychiatrist's appointment today. I hope she can help me. I need to talk tell her what is going on in my head. My mind isn't right, right now and I'm sure it is the pain that's doing it to me. I'm not too bad this morning thank goodness. I should be going back to bed and getting my rest. The time of year doesn't help either. It gets so dark so early. I'm tired of life right now and I can't seem to get out of this rut I'm in.
I'm now on my second cup of coffee. Any suggestions on how I can get these thoughts out of my head and turn my life around. I need to do something because what I'm doing just isn't enough. I need to read to distract my mind but I can't seem to concentrate right now. Any suggestions? I usually walk when my mind gets bad and enjoy this nice weather that we are having but my back and legs won't let me. I've tried playing guitar but that's painful as well. May I'll be able to talk it out with my psychiatrist and get this sorted out.
I've been seeing a psychiatrist going on thirteen years now. Mind you I have only seen her a handful of times this year. I wish she didn't change my medication I was doing so good. Everything was stable and now I'm so restless it isn't good. I can't do this much longer. When I get down my head goes crazy thinking things I shouldn't be thinking. My suicidal thoughts come to an ugly head and I don't like that. I suffer from chronic suicidal ideations. These thoughts keep going around and around in my mind. It's hard to try and stay upbeat all the time and with the winter coming and the pain from my back I just can't see to stop them like I usually can. It takes a lot of work and before my medication change I didn't have to work at it. I was happy or at least happier. The medication seemed to stop it or at least slow it down make it manageable. Talking about it helps so its a good thing I'm seeing my psychiatrist today. Maybe we can get something figured out. I've tried her advice for a few months and it's only getting worse. Time to fix it. I'm getting tired of this.
Well, it's 5:40 am right now I should stop and do some reading distract myself change this continuous loop that's going on in my brain. I'm working on it I'll be ok I have all the right tools in place. It is times like this where I wish there was a support group around. Where one could talk about this but it would be difficult I imagine. Sometimes it helps just to know that other people are going through the same thing that your not the only one. One of the reasons I keep this blog. It's okay to ask for help your not the only one out there. I don't look at myself as a failure just somebody that needs help and that I'm going to get today. I'll stop for now and write again later my appointment isn't till 3:30 pm. I'll let you know how it goes.