My mind has been busy.

My daughter in law is having a planned c-section today at 1pm. I'm so excited and happy for them what a wonderful day. I spent the night praying I'm not sure if I slept at all. I think I went to sleep around 3:30 am. I was praying for everyone under the sun. Well, not really. For my boys for sure. I started my praying for a little girl that was on CTV news where her father took her and jumped in front of a subway train. He didn't make it but she did thank the Lord for that. It's the after-effect that I asked for God's help. What that poor girl is going to have to live through. I understand that her father was hurting but to take her with him I don't understand so I ask for God's protection on her she was only 5 years old but I remember being 5 when I had my first suicidal thought. Something like that will stay with her forever. Also for the people that witnessed it the trauma that they would have gone through watching something like that. I remember years ago I watched a man take his own life by jumping in front of a subway train in Montreal he lived because he fell in between the tracks. Thank god but it was traumatic watching it. It's something I have never forgotten I remember it clearly as if it happened yesterday and that was 37 years ago. It's something the witnesses will never forget.
Then the next article I read about was a man suffering from depression and was granted an assisted medical death and the family were upset about it. Of course, they should have been but I feel he has the same rights as everyone else. Depression can be a life long disease. I know that I have fought it for many years and have wondered the same thing about the medical assisted right to die. I actually talked to my psychiatrist about it before it became legal here in Canada and she was opposed to it. Saying that depression is treatable to a certain extent, yes but it's a long hard battle and there are days where that battle is harder than others and if you have been fighting it for 50 years I feel that I need to have the right to make that decision. So I think that I'm going to pursue it. It is not something that I am taking lightly it is something that I have thought long and hard about and will think long and hard about still. My mind has been busy and not necessarily think about positive things but that is the way my mind goes and doesn't stop.
I'm back in the same boat as I was yesterday praying for money so I can buy smokes isn't that crazy. It won't be in till tomorrow and when I'm down I like to smoke. Just to have a smoke right now would be great. I don't know what I'm going to do today probably read. I didn't do my housework yesterday so I'll probably do it today and read and do some more reading lol. I have 3 days and 700 pages to read of The Clash of Kings the second book in the series of The Game of Thrones so I best get reading before the book goes back to the library. I guess I could renew it but that will be my second time doing that. I think I'll read something a little lighter or different before I read the next book in the series A Storm of Swords. I'm enjoying it, it's just long that's all.
It's 6:30 I've been up for an hour on my second cup of coffee and time to do some reading. I need a smoke so bad get my nicotine level up. It's very cool outside this morning 9 degrees celsius. I think I'll go back to bed and read in the spare room as my back is killing me this morning try and take my mind off of smoking.