Had a tough week

I've been tired depressed not sure what is going on with me. Saw my dad last weekend and he wasn't well that depressed me. Work is depressing me as well. Even the fact that I'm going to retire scares me. Taking pics which usually cheers me up is depressing me. Time to phone the psychiatrist and see her. I'll make an appointment this week. Not sure what is going on. I bought my grandsons birthday present today. Im sure he will like it. Not having good thoughts. My mind is dark right now and I I'm having problems stopping the suicidal thoughts. Why now? I've been good for so long it's just difficult and I'm having problems stopping them. My legs are hurting my back is hurting I just don't know. I'm calling out for help to get through this and I know I will just just difficult at the time. I need to occupy my mind and shut off these thoughts. I think I'll bike up to my sister's.