I really don't know what to think any more!

Is life that disposable? How's that from someone who has suicidal thoughts. I can't get away from this downward spiral that I'm going through right now. I'm tired and still not sleeping right. So much going through my mind and I just can't stop it. I tried self medication and that isn't working either. People are telling me that it's not my problem and not to carry it. How isn't it my problem this is my grand child that they are taking away from me. Maybe it is bothering me more because I'm adopted and the only blood family I have is my boys. Family means a lot to me and I just am not handling this well at all. It is my family that makes me stay here but if this is what one thinks of ones life then why shouldn't I. I fight daily with suicidal thoughts and it is difficult. I knew right away when I was pregnant with both of my boys and bonded with them from the beginning. There has to be another way but the girl has all the choices to make it's just not fair. Life is not fair. I know I'm sounding childish I feel a human life starts at conception. This is her second abortion. Abortion is not a means of birth control. I'm not saying my son isn't to blame for this as well I'm very disapointed with him he knew better. I think he thought having a child would help their relationship and he didn't think it through. (I know I'm probably using the wrong grammer, I just don't care right now I'm trying to get me thoughts out so sorry in advance). I'm tired so tired but just can't sleep. I'm running on 10 hours of sleep over the past three days and I need 10 hours of sleep a day and could sleep more. Life is shit. On the other hand thank god for my job because that is the only place I can get away from my thoughts and life now I'm off for the next four days and don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I'm reading Clive Barker right now and that seems to help, you want to read the bazaar he's the one to read. He's the only writer that can get me out of my head. I have an appointment with my psychiarist today and that is a good thing. Just when I thought that I could get down to once a week visits. I thought that I was getting better this has really thrown a loop into things and I'm really not taking it well at all. Just in case you couldn't tell.