Trying to write something that I'm grateful for.

It has been difficult to write about what I am grateful for the past four days thank god it is only one thing that I have to be grateful for. My mind has been negative and my thoughts are running away with themselves. Today hasn't been to bad my guitar lesson has really distracted me and now it is time for bed so I'll be set. I haven't decided that I will tell my psychiatrist that she upset me the other day when I told her what was actually on my mind and she told me that it wasn't normal conversation. I don't know what to make of that and I should probably let it go and forget about it and start fresh, but I now feel that I have to put on a act for my psychiatrist and pretend that everything is ok, that I'm not having these suicidal thoughts and I would rather end my life then live. What to do? So I guess I play the game and let everyone think that I'm better and that maybe I will end up believing it myself if I play the game long enough. These are daily thoughts that I have and the only thing that took them away was alcohol. The medication just doesn't do it for me but I'm afraid what I would be like if I didn't take my meds they must be doing something. I wish my husband was alive he could distract me he was a very positive force in my life and kept me going. He just had that way about him that would keep my even but even then I still used alcohol at the end pretty heavy just to get me through the day. Maybe I need to cut my visits down with my doctor to once a week instead of twice. I don't know any more. I guess she is getting frustrated with me and I don't blame her I'm frustrated with myself.