Excerpts from my Journal

Back writing again.

2011-12-28T15:19:00.003-05:00

I have started back writing again. I have a complete novel done but I'm still doing rewrites on it. It's amazing all the little mistakes that I have made and I don't have enough confidence to send it away any where. I enjoy writing but whether I can tell a story that is interesting enough for other people to read I don't know. I have been pretty good the past month which is surprising with the Christmas holidays. I think that it helps that I'm in a house now not an apartment and I'm with someone that loves me for who I am. Life is pretty good right now and I hope that it stays this way. I don't know if it is good to be that dependent on a person for your happiness or not but we help each other through our depression. I still rely on drugs to help me through the day but if it is what I have to do then that is what needs to be done. Well just a short note for today. I'm trying to write a little more frequently to see if I can get my thoughts out some where other then letting them stay in my head. I had a spell last night where my mind was going back to the past where it shouldn't be. It went back as far to where I was 16 and ran away from home. I don't know why we went there but I did. I hitch hiked my first and last time I did that. It's amazing the things that happen to us how they shape our lives and make us into the people that we are. I guess some things are best left not shared. It took me till now that I was able to share it with my psychiatrist and then tell my mother what had happened. I don't think that I need to go into details here. But it is something that I have carried all my life. Well I was going to write a short note I guess not. Enough for now. I don't know why I went there again. Oh well. Till tomorrow.

Had a great Christmas

2011-12-27T08:06:00.001-05:00

Well I can't believe that it is over with now but I had a great Christmas. It was just the two of us most of the day and we spent the day cooking dinner and dessert. It was great. My son and his girl friend joined us for dinner which was nice. It was a best Christmas that I have ever spent. Today my honey isn't well and is spending the day in bed watching TV. I was there for most of the morning but I needed to get up. So now I'm sitting having a smoke and a cup of coffee. I should really try my hand at writing today. It's been a long time since I have written anything and I should get back to work on my novel. Well just a quick note for now. I hope everyone has had a good Christmas and have a happy New Year.

Had a very interesting day yesterday!

2011-12-24T09:16:00.002-05:00

I'm glad it's over and I'm save at home. Your told never to take a ride with strangers but no one ever told me not to take a ride with friends or at least I thought they were friends it's questionable now. They both got arrested right in front of me and almost go me arrested too. Great friends don't you think. Ended up getting my groceries for Christmas dinner and taking a cab home. A very interesting day and I'm glad that it is over. I have the dessert baked for Christmas dinner the turkey is out defrosting I'm going to get ready for and pull the bread apart for the dressing soon. It's going to be a quiet Christmas just the two of us. Which is fine with me. I hope everyone else has a great Christmas. I don't plan on doing to much during my time off. I don't go back to work until the New Year which is great. No plans just taking it easy.

Just when I thought I was good.

2011-12-21T23:50:00.002-05:00

I don't know what I'm doing up at this hour.

Cherry Cheesecake

2011-12-19T22:04:00.002-05:00

Well my baking is really coming along. I'll have to put photos of my creations on here some time. Something new to take pictures of as well. I only have 3 days to go then I'm off for twelve days looking forward to it. I haven't had a stretch off like that since last Christmas. I hope to get a lot done around the house. Things have been going great since we moved in here. It feels like home.

Starting a new hobby

2011-12-18T16:20:00.003-05:00

Well I have found a new hobby called baking. So far I have baked three pies and one apple crisp. I'm starting to come back to life again. It's so easy to write when I'm depressed but try to write when you happy I find that difficult. I think that this move that I have made at this time in my life is a good one. I have found someone new and moved in together. Don't worry I haven't just met him we have known each other for 4 years and we have been dating for almost a year and we are very compatible. I really didn't think that it would happen to me ever again that I would let myself get attached to someone and fall in love. We both have depression but thank god we haven't really been depressed at the same time. We both have suicidal tendencies which he hasn't had in a long time. But I on the other still have them. I just can't seem to shake them and he doesn't really under stand why I can be so happy and still have the thoughts.

Not that long till Christmas

2011-12-11T07:20:00.002-05:00

I can believe that Christmas is just around the corner. This is really the first time that I have been able to write since I have moved. I got a house with my boyfriend. I'm going to attempt a coconut cream pie today. I have never baked a pie before so it should be interesting to see how it turns out. I have been feeling pretty good lately so I think that this move is a good move and everything will work out.

Just finishing up at work.

2011-09-20T15:44:00.002-04:00

It's been a long day and I will be glad when it is over. My boyfriend is depressed and has been for 2 days. He too suffers from depression and has suicial thoughts. I find that he talks about his more openly then I do and I can understand what he is going through, but if I try and talk about mine it's another story. He doesn't think that I should have suicial thoughts that everything is better now that I'm on medication. It doesn't work that way with me. See he's not on medication and doesn't want to be. Well it is almost time for me to leave work so I should really get my things together I will try and write tomorrow morning when I come in before my shift starts.

There are times when I just don't know what I'm doing.

2011-09-13T07:55:00.003-04:00

I don't know any more I have moved in with my boyfriend but am still keeping my apartment for my son. I went to my doctors appointment yesterday and we have decided that it is best that I keep going once a week for now. We had thought about twice a month but with the way last week went and this week has started it is best to stick to once a week. I'm finding it difficult to shake these suicidal thoughts that I'm having. My doctor said that as long as they are just thoughts right now that's ok, it's when they become feelings that it's a problem. I'll tell you that there is a very fine line between thoughts and feelings and it was last week that I was having feelings of suicide but I realized that I needed to be around people instead of isolating myself. Well just a quick note for now I need to get to work I'll write more when I have more time.

I don't know what I'm doing, I would rather be at home then at work but then if I was at home what would I be doing there. My mind would be wandering more then it is now and it's all over the place and not good places either. I just can't seem to stop the thoughts maybe things will get better by the end of the week everything seems to be in such a mess. The only thing that is steady is my job and it does help with distracting my mind and keeping it on the straight and narrow. Well I should really be doing something other then this right now but I'm not sure what maybe some filing there is always filing to do.

Not a good week last week.

2011-09-12T13:52:00.005-04:00

I really have nothing to complain about but my week was crap. I couldn't stop the suicidal thoughts. I don't know if it was that I didn't have an appointment last week but I lost it a couple of times and I was ready to take my last Olanzipine on Sunday just to try and stop my mind instead I smoked a joint. I don't know what has gotten into me but something isn't right. This morning I have taken my Talwin instead and that has worked I have taken 3 already. I'm going crazy and I don't know how to stop it. I have moved in with my boyfriend as well. Actually I have been there for about 3 weeks now and I don't really know what to make of that either. Just a quick note I'm at work right now and I just thought that I would write quickly just to say that I'm still alive and kicking. My boyfriend doesn't have the internet so I'll try and do my writing at work on my lunch hour or before I start work one or the other. It's just as easy writing at work if not easier then writing at home. At least I have a bit of privacy here where at home I don't. I have my appointment with my Psychiatrist after work today and we will see how that goes. I really don't know what to do with my life right now it just doesn't seem to be working right. I just feel up in the air about my life and what is going on. I guess smoking pot doen't really help but it does at the time. It just relaxes the mind and I'm able to forget about everything that is going on around me. Sort of like my talwin. It just gives my that Oblivion that I'm looking for and makes it difficult for me to concentrate. Which isn't so good at work but at home it is wonderful. I have even moved my dog into my boyfriends place. It is just a bachelor pad but we get along quite well and haven't had any problems so far. I never would have thought that I would have found anyone after my husband dying but I have, I don't know if the relationship is good for me or not but it seems to be working right now.

I don't know what I'm thinking right now.

2011-07-17T22:11:00.002-04:00

I did a lot of firsts this weekend and I'm not sure why I did. But I think that I was looking for an escape I found it. One thing I almost did was drink but at least I had enough common sense about me not to do that. But I do question the other things that I did. Certainly nothing that I can tell my psychiatrist right now maybe later but not tomorrow. I did escape for the weekend and it was great but my pills can do just the same. I should really go to bed I don't know why I'm writing but I need to I wish I had enough nerve to write about what I did but I don't. Well I guess I should really go to bed and read a bit and try and get some sleep I didn't sleep well last night but maybe I will tonight.

Is live really that disposable?

2011-07-06T21:49:00.003-04:00

I don't believe that abortion should be used as a form of birth control and as the mother of the son you have no say. Is this not my grandchild as well? I was given up at birth and was adopted at 11 months of age and I was conceived due to a date rape. It was hard to hear that my mother never looked at me but I should at least be greatful that she carried me for the nine months. This child was conceived in love but the relationship went wrong. I don't think that I can get over this nor do I want to. Where did I go wrong in life? At three months the child is already formed with hands and feet also a beating heart. I would have taken this child and loved it so would my son but it is the womens right. This is my feelings and I feel I should have rights as well. I'm tired and so depressed, this doesn't help with my suicidal thoughts as well if one life is disposable then so is mine. The one thing that is holding me here is my son how can I go and leave him right now. It's a daily fight that I have with myself. My boyfriend was worried about me and came down at lunch time to see me and gave me a ring in remembrance of my grandchild. He is another reason that I stay. He too fights depression and suicidal thoughts. So far we have never been depressed at the same time which is a good thing. We are able to bring each other out of our depression and at least make life manageable. We have been going together for six months now I never thought that I would meet anyone after my husband passed away that would be able to put up with me and my mood swings especially now since I have been diagnosed with major depression. With everything that is going on I have been able to get my visits down to once a week with my psychiatrist. For four years now I have been going twice a week I think that I'm ready for once a week. She will of course fit me in if I really need to go but the medication that I'm on now seems to be working. I'm on Effexor 150 twice a day and 10 of Abilify. I guess I should really stop writing and get some sleep do a bit of reading first still reading Clive Barker it's a good book to read to get my mind away from my thoughts. Well that's it for now good night cruel world.

I really don't know what to think any more!

2011-07-01T06:08:00.002-04:00

Is life that disposable? How's that from someone who has suicidal thoughts. I can't get away from this downward spiral that I'm going through right now. I'm tired and still not sleeping right. So much going through my mind and I just can't stop it. I tried self medication and that isn't working either. People are telling me that it's not my problem and not to carry it. How isn't it my problem this is my grand child that they are taking away from me. Maybe it is bothering me more because I'm adopted and the only blood family I have is my boys. Family means a lot to me and I just am not handling this well at all. It is my family that makes me stay here but if this is what one thinks of ones life then why shouldn't I. I fight daily with suicidal thoughts and it is difficult. I knew right away when I was pregnant with both of my boys and bonded with them from the beginning. There has to be another way but the girl has all the choices to make it's just not fair. Life is not fair. I know I'm sounding childish I feel a human life starts at conception. This is her second abortion. Abortion is not a means of birth control. I'm not saying my son isn't to blame for this as well I'm very disapointed with him he knew better. I think he thought having a child would help their relationship and he didn't think it through. (I know I'm probably using the wrong grammer, I just don't care right now I'm trying to get me thoughts out so sorry in advance). I'm tired so tired but just can't sleep. I'm running on 10 hours of sleep over the past three days and I need 10 hours of sleep a day and could sleep more. Life is shit. On the other hand thank god for my job because that is the only place I can get away from my thoughts and life now I'm off for the next four days and don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I'm reading Clive Barker right now and that seems to help, you want to read the bazaar he's the one to read. He's the only writer that can get me out of my head. I have an appointment with my psychiarist today and that is a good thing. Just when I thought that I could get down to once a week visits. I thought that I was getting better this has really thrown a loop into things and I'm really not taking it well at all. Just in case you couldn't tell.

I haven't been able to sleep yet.

2011-06-29T03:00:00.003-04:00

My mind is just going a mile a minute and I don't know how to shut it down. I have tried taking talwin and that didn't even work. It's 3 in the morning and I don't know what to do if I should phone in sick to work but if I do that then I'm just home alone and that's not good but I don't think that I'm going to be able to concentrate at work if I go in. I really don't know what to do.

I have no say it what happens.

2011-06-28T23:07:00.004-04:00

I haven't written in a while and I don't know what I'm thinking right now my mind is numb. My son's girlfriend is pregnant and she is going to have an abortion. I just don't know what to say or think right now.

Well I haven't written in a while.

2011-04-19T21:25:00.001-04:00

Just trying out my sons black berry and seeing how it works I can book mark this page but I don't know how to add any messages to it from the phone. Something that I'll have to work on.

Trying to write something that I'm grateful for.

2011-03-07T22:27:00.003-05:00

It has been difficult to write about what I am grateful for the past four days thank god it is only one thing that I have to be grateful for. My mind has been negative and my thoughts are running away with themselves. Today hasn't been to bad my guitar lesson has really distracted me and now it is time for bed so I'll be set. I haven't decided that I will tell my psychiatrist that she upset me the other day when I told her what was actually on my mind and she told me that it wasn't normal conversation. I don't know what to make of that and I should probably let it go and forget about it and start fresh, but I now feel that I have to put on a act for my psychiatrist and pretend that everything is ok, that I'm not having these suicidal thoughts and I would rather end my life then live. What to do? So I guess I play the game and let everyone think that I'm better and that maybe I will end up believing it myself if I play the game long enough. These are daily thoughts that I have and the only thing that took them away was alcohol. The medication just doesn't do it for me but I'm afraid what I would be like if I didn't take my meds they must be doing something. I wish my husband was alive he could distract me he was a very positive force in my life and kept me going. He just had that way about him that would keep my even but even then I still used alcohol at the end pretty heavy just to get me through the day. Maybe I need to cut my visits down with my doctor to once a week instead of twice. I don't know any more. I guess she is getting frustrated with me and I don't blame her I'm frustrated with myself.

Blah!

2011-03-04T23:46:00.002-05:00

Just the way I feel. I had my appointment with my Psychiatrist today and tried to be good and tell her all the things that she wanted to hear. Then I told her what was actually on my mind and she told me this isn't normal conversation, I told her that they weren't normal thoughts that I was having. She wondered if our meeting was a good idea, I'm wondering the same thing. I now feel that I can't talk there either so where can I talk how do I express myself do I bother. I supposed to think of something that I'm greatful for and think about that all day easier said then done. Now I'm depressed, why did I ever start this process and what am I doing continuing on with it. Who do you talk to when your doctor doesn't want to hear you. I'm tired this evening I think that this has really drained me and I don't know what to do. I guess just go to bed and get some sleep and not think about what happened today. It was the only place that I felt that I could express myself other then here. Even here I try and keep it mild what goes on in my brain.

I made it through the day!

2011-02-21T23:35:00.002-05:00

It would have been my husbands birthday today so it was a hard day but I kept busy and that was what helped me through. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow and that is a good thing. I should really go to bed and get some sleep but I'm not tired right now but I should go to bed.

Well I didn't win the lottery!

2011-02-20T23:44:00.002-05:00

Instead I have ended up with a headach all day. I slept till noon or there abouts I guess I needed the sleep. I should really be going to bed now. I don't think that I'll ever stop these thoughts from intruding in my mind and I don't think writing about it is going to help tonight so it's off to bed I go and try and get some sleep.

What am I doing?

2011-02-19T23:05:00.002-05:00

I have no idea what I'm doing right now. I'm tired I didn't get a chance to sleep in this morning well I guess I did till 8 then my nephew woke me up which is ok I was able to have coffee with him and listen to his past week. What am I thinking right now and why? It's been a long day and I really don't know what to make of it. I spent the day with my mum and it went well. It was a good day so why do I feel the way that I'm feeling? Why am I having these suicial thoughts I guess there is no reason to them there was at one time but the record broke and plays the same thoughts over and over again. Does that make sense? I should really go to bed and try and think nice thoughts right I don't think that will work right now but I need to do something. I'm tired and I have taken more then the prescribed dose of talwin again this evening going for that numb effect. Once I would like to not think not have my mind go in circles. I'm pretty out of it right now and don't even know why I'm writing? Time to go to bed and get some sleep maybe in the morning I'll wake up and have won the lottery 41 million tonight not that I need it all but a fraction of it would be nice. Good night cruel world.

Well I guess I can say that I have met someone!

2011-02-19T01:13:00.004-05:00

I've known him now for 3 years but I guess you can say that I have a new boyfriend. I'm not quite sure how I have let this happen but I have. He's from the building and I have been spending all of my time with him. I'm not sure what I'm doing and why but it hasn't taken away my suicidal thoughts. He also suffers from depression and is suicidal as well. He just had his first appointment with a psychiatrist and I went to his first appointment with him. He only needs to go once a month which is good for him if he had to go any sooner then I don't think that he would have put up with it. I guess we are alike and are able to talk about it. I'm not able to tell him about all of my thoughts but at least I can tell him about some of them. I think I would scare him off or make him more suicidal if he had any idea what and how I thought all the time. At first like the guitar playing and my new job he was able to distract me and I wasn't having these thoughts but then they over rule and win. I'm trying not to let my thoughts win but it is difficult. Like tonight I have taken more then the prescribed dose of my talwin just to numb my mind and my body. It has worked and I feel numb. I'm alone tonight my son has gone away and I think that is part of the reason I'm feeling the way that I'm feeling. I don't like being alone and it's not good for me. The only thing that has kept me here this evening is the fact that I can't leave me dog alone otherwise I could have overdosed. I probably wouldn't have but that is my reason for staying right now. I always look for reasons to stay or an excuse not to overdose. It's difficult and I don't know how to stop these thoughts my psychiatrist says that I have to change them for happy thoughts or to try and think of a nice place that I would like to be so I bought a lottery ticket. Wouldn't it be nice to win the lottery to be able to travel and not have to worry about money to have a condo and cottage. There are thing that I would love to do but don't have the money to do it. I'm not saying that money would solve all of my problems for me that's not the case. I live well my bills are paid well almost all of them I have a credit card but I can manage it. There are just thing that I would like to be able to do and go and see. One of these days I will but to win the lottery right now would be nice. Any way these are the thoughts that I'm supposed to trade my suicidal thoughts in for. It works if I can get in the right mind set but that isn't always easy to do I guess it's all in retraining the brain to think differently and not negative like I always do. I should really go to bed but I can't sleep right now I probably could if I tried but I'm enjoying this numb feeling that I'm having right now and don't really want to miss it. I guess that is what alcohol used to do for me and I miss that right now. One of the reasons that I don't drink. I used it to numb my mind but the pills really aren't any different are they? Just to be free from these thoughts is my goal chronic suicidal ideations is what it is called and they are difficult to deal with. The whole thing is depressing and that is part of the reason why I suffer from depression is the thoughts that I have and the other reason is the passing of my husband 3 years ago. The medication helps with that I wonder what I would be like if I wasn't on my meds not that I would like to find out but I would still be a mess. His birthday is coming up on Monday and that is always a ruff time I guess that is part of the reason why I'm feeling the way that I'm feeling. I miss him so much and no one can replace him and that is not what I am doing with this new guy that is in my life. What am I doing? I'm so confused right now I'm not sure that I want this or that it is even good for me but he is a nice guy and cooks dinner as well (lol). But really what am I doing or try to do? I guess don't over think it like I do with everything else but just go along for the ride and see where it takes me. Why can't I do that? Why do I have to over think everything? Why? Am I crazy? I guess that is what happens when you have OCD of the mind or thoughts I just can't let things go. Well I should really go to bed right now and get some sleep or I'm not going to want to get up in the morning. I just feel like writing right now and it helps to get these things off my chest. I was reading back over my blog and some of it is good and then there are other days when I wonder why I have writen at all. I have kept a blog now for almost 2 years or something like that 366 posts. I have always kept a journal or some sort or another and I feel that this is the best way so far. I was reading back over my Queens writing and courses and I don't know why I even tried but at the time it was something that I needed to do for myself I guess. I was going to become a social worker but now my life is so screwed up I can't even think of going there. What is my purpose I haven't really thought about that for a while now I guess since I started my new job I guess it is a challenge enough. I really have to go to bed and get some sleep stop writing about it and just get to bed. Well good night cruel world.

Well I'm working hard at being good!

2011-02-12T09:20:00.002-05:00

I'm trying to push these thoughts out of my mind and be good and think only good things it's tiring. I need to do some practicing on my guitar today and I don't know when I'm going to get that done but I need to do some I have been doing a bit through out the week but I'm tired today I have been all week I need some sleep or a cup of coffee.

Had a good day for a change!

2011-02-06T21:22:00.002-05:00

Well I had a good day for a change which is nice still phoning in to my Psychiatrist and saw her yesterday. I did down a couple of morphine last night and a talwin today but my back is hurting from all the work that we did this afternoon at the hospital. We were able to move all the files around and the cabinets over they only needed to be moved two inches but we had to unload all the files first before we could move them. We got the draws straightened out as well which was nice so hopefully we won't have to do this for a few years. I feel like it was a productive day. I also practiced the guitar and spent time with my oldest step daughter, grandchildren and great grandchildren this evening which really made my day. I should really get to bed early tonight and get some sleep. Tomorrow I have to check in with my Psychiatrist and then see her on Tuesday. It has kept me sane or at least here. So I'm doing ok as long as I keep myself busy and not give my mind time to think. It's not like the thoughts aren't there it is just easier to push them out of my mind. Yesterday my psychiatrist was talking about sending me to a psychologist that dealt with OCD to try and learn how to control these thoughts I have but I wasn't interested because I don't want to start with someone new and I don't really want any more appointments then what I already have. It is hard for me to let someone in and it upset me to think that she was going to send me to someone else. She said that our appointment wouldn't have stopped but the thought of starting over again with some one else was just to much. Well I should really stop for now and get to bed but I just feel like writing. It helps to write to get things off my chest and to be able to say what I really feel. I don't know if this helps anyone but I guess I shouldn't worry about it because it helps me to vent. I have finally completed the whole song now of Ostinato so it is going pretty good. Well I'm going to stop for now my son is home and I should really stop he doesn't know about this blog and I don't really want him to it would only make him worry he doesn't know what goes on in my head and I want to keep it that way.

I didn't think that I would make it through the week!

2011-02-04T06:33:00.002-05:00

I really didn't think that I would but here I am. Another week done in my miserable life. I'm tired of life and it's daily routines and I don't know what to do to make it any better. I am trying to be a good patient and it is difficult when I feel so crappy. I just wish that it would all end and I wouldn't have to go on. Why can't I shake this feeling is it the weather I don't know I guess I should go to work and try and get my mind off of the way that I feel. I feel like phoning in sick. I'm tired so tired.

Yet another day!

2011-02-03T22:06:00.002-05:00

I went to work today and I don't know why I'm doing this but I'm still here and I guess that is what matters. I went to my Psychiatrists today and didn't really say much. I'm mad with myself for wasting time and with my life and the way that I feel. I should be able to shake this but I haven't been able to yet. I went out to dinner last night with Ron and watched a movie tonight I went down there and had a coffee. I understand how he feels and he is better when I'm around. I don't know what I'm doing any more but the only place that I feel not so bad is at work. I have been practicing my guitar since I have been home and now I'm getting ready for bed. I have to go on Saturday to see my Psychiatrist again Ihave been going everyother day and phoning in on the days that I don't go. I'm tired of feeling the way that I feel and I want to get over this feeling that I'm having. I guess that is a good sign. Tomorrow I have to go to dinner at my sisters my uncle is over from England and it will be something to keep my mind occuppied. Well just a short note for now I should really go to bed.

Well I'm still here!

2011-02-02T06:49:00.002-05:00

I don't know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it but I'm still here and I don't feel as bad in the mornings as I do in the afternoon. I just don't know any more what I want out of life. I supposed to go to dinner this evening with a Ron from my building but I don't know if that is a good mix or not he's just as depressed if not more so then I am. I think I have said it before that everyone around me is depressed. My appointment went pretty good I'm trying to stay out of the hospital I think I wrote that I'm looking at a medication change and that is what I will tell everyone in my family if I have to go to the hospital that it's a medication change that they have to do. I don't know does anyone else.

Another night done!

2011-02-01T06:44:00.002-05:00

I feel not to bad this morning.

By noon I was back to my miserable self and ready to call it quits. I made it through the day and to my doctors appointment where I told her that I could see myself here at the end of the week. I'm tired of feeling this way and I don't know what else to do about it. I have tried everything that I can think of to occupy my mind but I just can't and only think of one thing that is suicide. So I have myself calling my psychiatrist daily and seeing her every other day we are taking one day at a time and seeing how it goes. I don't know what to do and where to turn to next. If it keeps up I'm going to end up in hospital just to take a rest from life. I figure that I would tell my son and family that it was due to a medication change which might be the truth of the matter. We are thinking or better yet my psychiatrist is thinking of change one of my medications back to effexor to see how I do with that medication and also signing me up for a mood disorder clinic either as an in patient or out patient one or the other. Something has to give some where and I'm trying to be a good patient and do the do things I'm tired tonight and should get to bed early. They are calling for a snow storm but I'll still go to work and some how get through the day. I find I'm making small mistakes it's because I'm not totally focused at work my mind seems to wander and I can't seem to stop it.

Well I'm awake and ready to go!

2011-01-31T06:59:00.004-05:00

I slept well last night I was afraid I wasn't going to I thought that I had slept to much during the day that it would ruin my sleep at night. I feel not to bad this morning. I'm out of smokes and I'm going to keep it that way for as long as I can we have to see how it goes. I've been practicing the guitar since I've been up and I should really head out the door shortly to go to work. So I haven't had much time to think which is good. I'll write later when I come home.

Well I'm home for a few minutes then off to my guitar lesson so all is good and I'm not feeling to bad. Still having the thoughts going threw my head but at least I can push them out a little easier today then I could over the weekend. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I phoned my psychiatrist this morning to let her know that I'm ok and that I will see her tomorrow after work. Work went well kept me pretty occuppied and the day went by fast. I don't really know what I did today but I was busy. Well I should really get myself ready to go I might write when I come home if not I'll write again tomorrow.

Well my lesson went pretty good now I have more of the song to learn and I'll have to do a lot of practicing. My son also has his truck back which is great so I don't have to walk home after my lesson another bonus. I'm feeling not to bad this evening so I should do a little practicing and then head off to bed. I wish I could feel the way I feel right now which is not to bad all the time.

Well I made it through yet another night!

2011-01-30T09:16:00.003-05:00

I'm not feeling as bad today but the thought are still there. Just a little fuzzy at times. I'm doing laundry then practicing on my guitar. I really don't know what I'm doing and if I'm doing it right and does it really matter? Well just a short note for now I'll probably write later on.

It has been never ending this afternoon I'm down to planning the day. I really don't know what is going on in my head but I think that I may need to make a trip to the hospital. Maybe my meds have given up on me and I need something new. I don't know if I should call my doctor right now and what could she do over the phone maybe talk some sense into I don't know. It hasn't been this bad before the thoughts are so over whelming. I really don't know what to do. This is a difficult struggle. I try and think what I'll do to my son if I were to take my life but that really isn't cutting it right now. All I think is that he will be better off with out me. Well I phoned my Psychiatrist and she told me to take have of my Olanzapine tonight and then the other half in the morning hoping that will even things out for me but I decided to take the whole thing I need things fixed now. I don't know if writing is helping me but maybe it will help someone else. I have felt this way before and tried to over dose on my talwin but I didn't take enough of it and woke up in the morning feeling like crap. I don't know why I have to feel this way nothing is that bad in my life that I should feel like I do. I have a job and roof over my head food if I would only eat properly. I live off of peanut butter and jam on toast. How crazy is that? Well I should really take the dog out do a little more practicing of my guitar and go to bed to get up in the morning and go to work. I'd stay at home but to be alone right now isn't a good idea. If work only knew that I used them as therapy they'd fire me. I'm to phone my doctor in the morning that way she knows that I made it through the night. Well night for now I'll write in the morning.

Still not right!

2011-01-29T17:50:00.002-05:00

I still feel suicidal and I'm working on staying a live. It's not easy when all you think about is killing yourself. I don't know why I think this way and I have given up on trying to figure it out. I started back smoking again I don't know if that has been my problem. My psychiatrist is back from her trip she figures deep down I'm upset that she went away and left me. I don't know and does it really matter I just wish I could stop feeling the way that I'm feeling. I still working on my guitar practice and it isn't going to bad I could have done more this week but it has been difficult when all I want to do is sleep. I don't know any more. Why am I here and what is my purpose? Why are any of us here? My uncle is coming over from England and my sister is having a dinner for him on Friday and they want me to give up my doctors appointment. If they only knew how important my appointment were and that they are the only things that are keeping me alive right now and keeping me out of the hospital. I really don't know if that is the case but it helps me to sit and talk even just sit I try not and waste my time with my doctor just to hear her it helps I don't know if it make any sense but I don't know what I would do if I didn't have a psychiatrist there are time when I'm upset with my self that I am that dependant on one person but it is the only thing that keeps me sane. I don't know if any of this make sense I think that I already wrote that but I'm just trying to write what is on my mind. I am still only working on the first 4 measures of Ostinato I should really be practicing right now but here I sit writing my feeling down. Does anyone really read this I know I don't that often not for a while any was some times I go back and read what I have been writing just to see how far I have come if I have accomplished anything at all. Right now I don't know if I have I guess three years ago I was finding it difficult to work and at least I'm able to work right now which is good. I find the weekend difficult because I'm not working and it gives my mind time to wander. I try and keep busy by going shopping with my mother that does help but I just haven't been in the mood and I think that I'm not fooling anyone right now. She want me to go to church tomorrow and I don't really feel like doing that. Dave wanted me to go to a meeting tonight with him to our home group but right now I'm avoiding him because I can't set up boundaries very well and tell him that I only want to be friend that I don't want to go any further then that. How do you take back what has already started with out hurting someone. I tried to be more then friends and it didn't work for me I can't or I don't want to. So how do you take that back how do you nicely tell someone to piss off. I give up I'm not ready for a relationship I can't keep my head straight and he doesn't under stand how I'm feeling that I'm suicidal I guess I haven't really told him that so how is he supposed to know. I feel like my life is a mess and that I have no control over it and I don't know what to do about it at all. I'm going crazy and I can't stop it. I don't want to tell him that I'm suicidal and scare the shit out of him but it is difficult for me to say anything so I avoid him instead and hope that he will go away. I'm tired and hungry and don't know what to do. I have problems letting people into my life and I should have let him in as far as I have. So the only way to fix it is to take it to the extreme and kill myself just end it all and then I won't have to worry about hurting anyone or know that I have hurt anyone. The ultimate avoid. I guess I should stop writing and practice my guitar and work at trying to forget everything that I have said not to dwell on it.

It was a ruff weekend!

2011-01-24T06:27:00.002-05:00

I don't know what to think but I have been very suicidal this weekend. The thoughts just wouldn't stop and still haven't. I have it in my head that I'm going at some time commit suicide it's just picking the right day and I keep saying to myself that I need to wait till my psychiatrist gets back from vacation. Why so my son will have some one to talk to and be able to vent to. I don't know what else to do. I don't know if I could call anyone when I get to that stage I don't think that I would. I just want it all to end and end now I'm tired of it all and there is nothing that I do that makes it any better. Like the guitar why am I learning to play the guitar at this stage in my life I'm enjoying it but I just think that I'm crazy for starting now. It's something that I have always wanted to do and if it keeps my sane for a few more days then so be it. Well enough for now I have to go to work where I would love to just curl up in bed and do nothing which I did all weekend.

Practice practice practice!

2011-01-19T17:57:00.002-05:00

Well I have been practicing and it's not going so bad. I'm tired tonight and not really sure what I'm doing but I'm going out with my sponsor this evening for coffee and that will be good. I have made it through a week now with out my psychiatrist and yesterday was the first day that was really bad. I went to brake with the girls from the clinic just to hear other peoples voices. My psychiatrist phoned from England where she is on vacation to check in with me it bothers me at times that I'm that dependant on her but if it wasn't for her I wouldn't be here and I think that she knows that I have told her that before. It has been not to bad but then I didn't want to say anything different to her and ruin her vacation. I've had to work at this and it hasn't been easy but then I guess no one has ever said that life was easy. Well the heat is working in our apartment now it had been out for about a week or so and pretty cold. They came in last friday and changed the thermostat which seemed to fix the situation but it still took until yesterday for the heat to get up in the apartment to where it is warm enough. I'm tired and would love to just go to bed but it's important that I go out for coffee with my sponsor and get back into the swing of things with her. I didn't go to a meeting this weekend but I think that it's ok. I don't know if she would pick me up to go to the Sunday morning meeting with her or not. But it's just that I'm not ready, I don't know what or better yet how I want to say it. Well I guess that is about it for now I'll write again later on.

Just did a google search for Ostinato!

2011-01-18T06:42:00.002-05:00

I just did a google search for Ostinato by Norbert Kraft and found my web page as the second choice. The first was someone playing it on you tube and it was interesting to see them play it but to have my page as second sort of blew my mind I don't really want any one I know to read my journal because its not very well written but I guess I shouldn't care. Well just a short note for now I should be practicing.

Well I have had my 3rd guitar lesson!

2011-01-17T21:00:00.002-05:00

Well I'm learning my first piece 'Ostinato' by Norbert Kraft I'm working on the first few measures. I dont' know what to think right now and I probably shouldn't think at all. Thinking gets me into trouble. It's a slow process but if I keep working at it I'll be able to get better at it. At least I know that I'm working on it properly I'm pleased with how it is turning out.

Met with my sponsor tonight!

2011-01-12T20:52:00.003-05:00

It's great having my sponsor she is someone that I can talk to about anything and I mean anything even my suicidal thoughts we are able to sit and talk and laugh about it. There are not to many people that you can talk to about that. So I was able to talk to her about all of what is going on in my head which was great. My psychiatrist has gone away for two weeks and it is going to be difficult when I'm used to seeing her twice a week but I have things in place a doctor that I can call if things get out of hand my guitar lessons which will keep me busy dinner at my mothers on Tuesdays meeting with my sponsor on Wednesdays my AA meetings on Saturday and Church on Sunday and work. So I have enough in place to keep me busy and be able to get through this also my doctor said that she would give me a call while she was away. There are times when I think that I'm crazy and I don't know what is going on in my head but I'm tired to night and need to get some sleep I should do a little more practicing and then get to bed early and get some sleep.

Second Guitar lesson last night!

2011-01-11T06:20:00.004-05:00

It went well, I frozen when I was playing for him but he said that he could tell that I was praciticing which was good. But I'm tired today I think an early night tonight and I'll feel better. I don't really know what to write right now but I should really be getting ready for work. Where has the time gone and what do I have to do with my life, those are the questions that are rattling around in my brain today. I'm not in a very good mood and I think that is because I'm tired. I'd like to give up right now and pack it all in but I have to keep things good today because I don't want my psychiatrist to go on vacation and worry about me while she is gone that's not fair to her. So I'm going to have to put on a happy face and move on with my thoughts and get over them. I'm tired.

Well today has been a good day!

2011-01-09T01:22:00.002-05:00

I'm not tired right now and I'm not really sure what I should be doing I should be trying to get to sleep and not sitting up and typing. But I had a pretty good day today and my guitar playing is starting to get better. I'm pleased with how it is going and I think that I'm ready for Mondays lesson. Well I should really go to bed and get to sleep and then I can get up in the morning and start all over again.

Still Tired!

2011-01-07T06:20:00.003-05:00

I'm still practicing and I guess I'm getting a bit better but it is a slow process. I guess that is what it takes is practice and practice and more practice. We will have to see how this goes and what happens next. It's snowing out side and I should be able to go cross country skiing on the weekend but I don't really have the energy and I think that the heat has been turned off on my apartment so they are going to have to look into that on the weekend when I'm home. I don't really know when else to do it unless I take Monday off but I can't really do that yet. My co-worker is back now and I should be able to take time off phone in sick if I have to I don't really know what to do next with my life I'm not happy I don't know.

Tired!

2011-01-06T06:25:00.002-05:00

I could go back to bed this morning and I know that isn't the answer. I'm fustrated with my guitar playing I'm only learning two cords and I can't get them right G7 is a hard cord for me to hit. But I'm not giving up just yet I'll keep on practicing but it is difficult. I'll figure something out and see how it goes practice practice practice. That wasn't to bad. I'll just have to practice until I'm sick of it. Hopefully the next lesson won't be a stuffy. I picked up my guitar books that I'm going to be working from and they look pretty stuffy and I'll have to see how that goes taking lessons was supposed to be fun. Well just a quick note and back to practicing then work.

I guess I'm getting better?

2011-01-05T06:49:00.002-05:00

I keep practicing and practicing and I don't think that I'm getting any better but I guess I am I'm switching from a C to a G7 and it is quite a stretch for me. I have until next Monday to work on this so I don't know I guess keep practicing. Well it's off to work I go. I'll write again later.

Bought my guitar books for my lessons!

2011-01-04T21:34:00.003-05:00

Boy do I have a lot to learn I think that I might have bit off more then I can chew. I don't know if I can do this or not. But I have all the time in the world to learn and it's something that I want to do so I will work away at it and see how I do. I don't know what have of what the books say so I'll just go crazy and see how that works for me.

Well I take my first lesson tonight on the guitar!

2011-01-03T12:28:00.005-05:00

I don't know what I'm doing if I'm doing the right thing or not I don't know I have to pay for the lessons in advance which I didn't think that you had to do but I don't know am I going crazy or just plain nuts. I feel like I'm ready to do something with my life but I just don't know what to do I could have stayed in bed all day again I did that yesterday and I could do it again today. I should really clean up the apartment. My sponsor is coming over on Wednesday evening for coffee and I should really clean up a bit but I have no ambition to do any of that maybe we will just go out for coffee instead I'll have to see. Well I don't really know what to write even I was hoping that this year would be better for me I thought that it would just all go away when the clock struck 12 crazy isn't it. I don't know. Well I should really pack it in and just give up on life I'm tired of trying to live a normal life and not have these suicidal thoughts I don't know what to do. I don't know I don't know. I keep saying that because I don't know. I just cleaned off my keyboard does it ever look better. Now I just have to clean the rest of the apartment I should really get doing that maybe take the tree down or I'll leave it till the weekend when I'm off again. I don't know what else to do today I wish I knew what was going to happen this evening at the lesson I could prepare myself for it I guess it is hard to prepare yourself for a first of anything. I don't know what else to do right now I'm going crazy or crazier.

Well I had my first lesson and it went well. I'm going to learn from the Royal Conservatory books for guitar. It's going to be a slow process but I think that I can do it. It will take a lot of practice on my part the teacher made everything look so simple and easy. I'll be able to get the bus to the lesson and then walk home from there at least I know now that I won't have to stand around for the bus and look like an idiot. I have been practicing tonight and I'll do it every minute that I can until I get it right no working ahead make sure that I understand everything by the next lesson. I think that it's going to be ok and I'm going to really enjoy it. Well it's snowing outside and I should really get myself to bed but I'm not tired right now. I guess I should really get myself to bed now and get some sleep it's back to work tomorrow and I have my psychiatrist appointment after work then my nephew is going to take me out to get my music books if they have them at Renaissance music store. Well I should really get my but into bed. I'll write again tomorrow.

I don't know what it is but I don't sleep well on Weekends

2011-01-02T06:50:00.002-05:00

I don't know what causes it but I just don't sleep well on the weekend. Tomorrow is my first guitar lesson is should be good I'm looking forward to it I don't know what I'll do until then I really don't know I'm tired but doing a couple of loads of laundry this morning so I have to wait until they are finished before going back to bed. I'm trying to up load photos to face book right now it is taking forever.

It's hard to believe that it is the start of another Year!

2011-01-01T14:00:00.003-05:00

Nothing has changed everything remains the same. We are going to my son's oldest sister for supper tonight then I have to chair a meeting. I don't know what I was thinking that the new year would bring but the same old thoughts are with me and I just can't seem to shake them. I don't know what to do right now I guess just try and push them out of my head that is all that I can do. Well I have still quit smoking and it hasn't gone to bad. I'll write again later on.

3 days now since I have quit smoking!

2010-12-29T06:43:00.002-05:00

I'm getting there a day at a time that was the same way that I quit drinking so it is the same way that I'll quit smoking. I'm going into work this morning for the day which is great I'm looking forward to it I have enough to do today and then some but I'll try and get done what I have to do. I don't know what else I have to do this week I don't know if my oldest son and daughter inlaw are coming down or not from Ottawa I haven't heard from them I think they were hoping we were going up. I am fighting the suicidal thoughts today so hopefully they don't take over and I end up depressed today think positive and try and get these thoughts out of my head.

48 plus some odd number of hours since I quit smoking.

2010-12-28T17:25:00.003-05:00

I can't say that I feel better but I'm trying and it is difficult. I don't know if I can do it but I guess if I have gotten this far than I should be able to go another hour or two or three. I really miss it. Any way I got through Christmas and had my doctors appointment today it went well. I have been keeping busy trying not to smoke but my mind has been ok I'm doing fine. I think the thought of taking guitar lessons is really helping me. I don't know what to do right now I'm going a little crazy. Well I don't really know what to do right now I'm tired of trying to think of what to do next on how to stay sane. What am I trying to do? Where am I going with all of this and why? It would just be so much easier to end it all and give up why am I fighting to stay here at all? It's not easy and I really don't know why I'm doing this? I was doing so good and then my mind will change all on it's own just like that no warning just go and give up. It's to easy to give up and it's so hard to try and fight and stay around. I don't know why I do this to my self. Well I am going to start meeting with my sponsor on Wednesday evening at 7 here at the apartment. It will be the first time that I have let her in or anyone in other then Faye. I don't let people in that often not even my own family but I have to start and now is as good as time as any. I am making plans right that is the thing to do when you feel suicidal it make plans and stick to them. Well I was trying to make a plan for this friday to do something. Well I don't really know to think right now and where to go or what to do I'm at a I don't know what I'm at. How can I one minute feel good and then the next minute feel like crap. I need to talk to some one and get through this.

I'm trying to quit smoking and I'm not sure that I can do it!

2010-12-26T18:14:00.003-05:00

I might have to go to the store and get some smokes I'm going to quit January the 1st but can I quit sooner than that? I don't know I don't need one I just want one does that make sense. I cleaned up my desk area and it looks better makes me feel a bit better as well. I don't know what to do with myself I need to keep my hands busy I could practice the guitar but I don't really know what I'm practicing. Well I don't know what to do? So I guess I do some surfing on the internet.

Well I'm taking guitar lessons in the New Year!

2010-12-24T08:07:00.002-05:00

I start January 3 I'll be taking them on Mondays at 7:30. I'm looking forward to it. So I'm able to make plans. It has been a hard week emotionally and I'm glad that it is almost over. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have work to go to. I guess that is why I'm not looking forward to next week. I have been very suicidal and I had to take Olinzipine two days in a row. But I think that I'm past the bump and thing are going to be better now. I'm going to see my Psychiatrist for the third time this week and then there is a lunch at work that I'm thinking of going to also Church this evening and then my sisters for dinner tomorrow, so I'll be busy which is good. I think that my son is going to come with me tomorrow as well and that would be good for him he needs to be able to talk with his family in case something would happen to me then he at least has them to fall back on. His sister in Ottawa which is my husbands daughter is having New years eve dinner and I think that he should go to that and have fun. I should really do some house work but I don't feel like it. Well just a short note for now that I'm doing better then I was a few days ago and I'm able to make it through these holidays.

Olanzipine really helps!

2010-12-22T06:26:00.003-05:00

I wish I didn't have the weight gain that I do with Olanzipine then I would take it all the time cause it does work. It does give my mind a break and I should have taken it sooner then I did. Then I wouldn't have had to go through what I went through the past few days. I was taking an hour at a time and it was difficult. These obsessive thoughts that I have can be really difficult to deal with. I haven't had them that bad in a long time. I am still having them but I am able to get them out of my head instead of dewelling on them. Well I should really get myself ready for work and I'm glad I didn't go to the hospital I feel some what better today still feel down it doesn't give me the lift it once did but it does make me feel better.

Took an Olanzipine

2010-12-21T21:51:00.002-05:00

I took one this evening at the advise of my psychiatrist. It was either that or go to the hospital. Today was the first time she mentioned going to the hospital. I don't know if it would help or not but they could I don't know what they could do for me. I think the medication is kicking in I just hope I don't have a hang over tomorrow morning from it. I should really take the dog out and go to bed and get some sleep. I haven't been right and the suicial thoughts are so strong I don't know what to do. Hopefully it will jog my emotions or something. I was able to talk for a straight hour today at my appointment which I normally don't do some times it hard to just get half an hour in. I have a plan and I know that it will work but I'm trying hard not to think about it. I don't really care what people will think and how they feel. I need to go to bed and sleep and in the morning I'll wake up feeling better. I don't really know any more and I'm not sure what has set me off. The holidays maybe. Well I should really sign off now and try and change me way of thinking writing about it right now doesn't really help it only drags it on. I don't know if I'm making any sence.

I made it through the night and I don't really feel much better!

2010-12-19T11:42:00.002-05:00

I haven't had a cigarette this morning just waiting for the laundry to wash. I just have to not think about it as much I can go 8 hours and only have one smoke so why can't I do it at home I want to quite but then I feel like a failure if I don't and it plays with my emotions if I do. So either way I'm sort of screwed. So do I wait for the new year like I planned on doing I think that the plan. So to the store I go in a minute and get some smokes.

It's 2:00am and what am I doing still up?

2010-12-19T02:02:00.003-05:00

My mind isn't right at this moment. I just can't think straight and I really don't know what I'm doing up at this time of the morning. I really don't know what I'm doing right now and my mind isn't right. I know that I have already said that but I'm just trying to get through this night. I don't know what it is with the weekends but they just don't sit right with me. I am having suicidal thoughts right now and I just can't seem to stop them. Why am I having these thoughts right now I don't have a clue. Life isn't that bad the job is going great I just feel like I'm a failure right now I wish that I had some one to talk to. I don't know what to do with myself. I think that I'm going crazy. I'm hanging by a thread with two fingers and I just want to let go. But I'm trying to fight this feeling and hope it will pass. What do you do with yourself at this time in the morning I'm watching tv and hoping that will help I don't feel like reading. I don't know what to do who to talk to what to watch how can I make this time pass. This is such a tough time of year I'll be glad when Christmas is over with. I could do laundry but then I'd wake up the house hold and I don't want to do that I just need to stop this way of thinking and change my thought pattern around. I need help right now and there is just no where to turn. I need to hear a human voice other then my own thoughts. I'm listening to a trivia game room right now on paltalk and I don't know what to do. This just might work for now and get me through the night. Well I'll go for now and sign off and write a little later on in the morning. I went to a meeting tonight thinking that would help with the thoughts and it didn't do a thing but bring memories back about the holidays and how many people don't like them and just wish they were over. I used to like the holidays but then that changed when my husband passed away and I sobered up. I have two cigarettes left and I think that I'm going to quite after I smoke them it is really a senseless thing to do and I had thought about taking up the guitar again and maybe even taking lessons that way I would be a little more committed to it if I took lessons. I'm really all over the place right now but I'm trying to make something stick and change me train of thought right now. It seems to be working and I know that they are only thoughts that I don't have to act on them. I think I'm crazy right now. I'm tired of feeling this way and and and I don't know what to say so I guess it's time to sign off and write again in the morning once I've had some sleep.

Starting a second week on my own!

2010-12-05T18:21:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow I start week two on my own and I think that the first week went well. I have also found a radio station on the Internet called Whisperings Solo Piano music or some thing close to that it is great to listen to. I listen to it at work as well. I really am enjoying my job it seems to be going great. I went to a meeting last night and church today so I have had a good weekend. I don't feel that bad right now things are going well. I haven't had to many suicidal thoughts either which is great maybe only one or two a week but I'm able to work through them. I should have done this a long time ago but I probably wouldn't have been ready for it so I'm doing great right now and really enjoying life. The girls at work are great to work with it seems to be going all right now in my life if that makes any sense.

I put up my Tree!

2010-11-29T05:30:00.004-05:00

I had almost thought about not putting up a tree this year but then I helped my sister yesterday with her tree and that got me in the spirit so I put mine up last night. I'm up early this morning slept a bit in the evening I don't think that through off my slept. I don't know? All I know is that I'm on my own now at work and I'm a little up tight about it right now. I should really get washed right now and write after the fact.

Well I'm ready for work now and I have lots of time. Well my son cleaned the bath tub yesterday what a treat. Now if I could only get him to do his own laundry but I really don't mind doing his laundry. It's trying to figure out a plan of action now that I'm on days and don't have the days off during the week to do things I have to plan out my weekends a bit better. So far they haven't been to bad and I have bought a lot of new clothing. I just bought a new coat this weekend for work and the winter standing at the bus stop. At least now I'll be warm. I need to go shopping at Food Basics this evening after work. Things are starting to come together slowly. I changed Pharmacy's this weekend as well to Food Basics it's a lot closer to me then Loblaws at the shopping center was. All I need to do now is quit smoking and that will come along some time I'm just not ready yet maybe my new years resolution. Well work is going good Friday was my first day alone and now I'm on my own for the next two months. I think that I'll do ok in the job still a lot to learn I pretty much know it now it's just the little things that I have to learn. I changed an appointment on Friday and I'm going to have to let the front girls know what I'm doing I seem to forget about that. There are so many little things that I need to remember that it's difficult to keep track of it all. Just when I think that I'm doing good something come up and slaps me in the face. Oh well I don't know. Just keep doing what I'm doing and keep a positive attitude and I should be ok. I was able to do some reading yesterday which is the first time in a while. I judge myself by my reading that I'm able to concentrate to read.

I didn't get to a meeting on the weekend and I don't know if I'll be able to go to the Saturday night meetings at all any more. There is a guy there who drives me to and from the meeting and don't get me wrong he is nice and I do like him but I'm just not ready for that right now. I tried but I just can't he wants to exchange Christmas presents and I'm not ready for that. He referred to me as his girlfriend a couple of times and I didn't set him straight on it which I should have done. It's nice to be liked by the opposite sex and it's not like it is moving to fast I have know him for three years now I just am not ready and not sure that I'll ever be ready. I don't know what to think any more. He wants to meet the family I'm not ready for that either. Why do I let these things happen to me. I should be able to tell him how I feel but for what ever reason I can't I figure that if I ignore the situation that it will go away. Crazy aren't I.

Week two over!

2010-11-21T09:02:00.002-05:00

I made it threw week two. I'm starting to feel comfortable in the new job and things seem to be falling into place. I felt pretty good at the end of the week now the weekend and I feel like I have forgotten it all. I know that I haven't but I'll be ok. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself today but I should do something maybe go to church with my mother. Then shopping this afternoon. I have been shopping every weekend since I started the job and a few weeks before that. Well I have to decide what I'm doing today and get myself ready. I don't really feel like going to church it hasn't been the same since the minister left. I still have another week of training and then I'll be on my own. So I have to make sure that I have the routine down and what I have to do for the day. There are days that I think that I have bit off more then I can chew but in general I think that I can do this. Well just a short note for now I'll try and write more later on.

Day 3!

2010-11-10T06:12:00.002-05:00

I'm not to sure how it is going I'm only on day 3 and there is a lot to learn. It will be interesting to see how it goes I think that I should at least give it 2 weeks before I decide what I'm going to do I have a month and they are willing to train me as long as it takes. I am learning and it is new stuff to learn it's nothing like the floor lots of filling I can see myself working late just to get things done. We will see how it goes. I had my appointment last night and it was different having it later in the day it went well all I talked about was the job and I'm seeing her again this Friday one day a week I can't do right now there is to much change in my life right now to change that around. Well that's it for now I'll write later on.

Off to work for my second day!

2010-11-09T07:00:00.001-05:00

Well I slept well last night and things have gone well this morning so I'm set for another day at work. It will be interesting to see how today goes. I'm nervous again this morning but I should be ok once I get there.

1st day under my belt!

2010-11-08T23:58:00.002-05:00

Well the first day went well. I think that I'm going to like this job. A lot of filing to do though. I should really be getting to bed but I'm not tired right now. Tomorrow after work I have my appointment with my Psychiatrist and I'm looking forward to it. I think that this is going to work out to my liking. I felt pretty comfortable this afternoon there I just wish that I could have done a bit more of the filing I'll slowly work on that over the next two weeks I'd like to have the office cleaned up and set up by the end of the month. I think that I'll do ok.

Start of my new job!

2010-11-08T06:15:00.004-05:00

At least I slept well last night and I'm nervous this morning but well rested. I don't know. I write that went I'm up tight well it's either sink or swim which will it be today?

Finished my last shift!

2010-11-06T06:09:00.002-04:00

Well I finished my last shift on my old job now I'm off for the weekend and then start Monday! I was about 8 years on that floor we figured out. It's hard to believe that that part of my life is now over unless of course I don't like this job and go back but I think that I'm going to be able to make it work. To have my own office space and which is good I think that it is going to be OK. We will see how it goes. I'm excited but yet still nervous. I'm not really tired this morning but I should probably get some more sleep. I don't know what to think right now so many thoughts are going threw my head and I'm having problems right now getting it out. I think that this job is God sent. Things are just falling into place. Now I just need to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. Maybe this is just what my life should be I'll have to see how it goes. I shouldn't worry about anything else right now but learning my new job and getting it organized. I think that this is what is meant to be. Some times I think to much or I look to hard into things where I should just except them for what they are. But I'm always looking for a purpose in my life that I should be doing more then what I'm doing. Now is the time to be home in the evenings with my son to be independent and that I can be with this new job. What am I looking for in my life, I really don't know when my husband was alive it was easy looking after him was my job now I don't have that I feel empty inside it is a large void to fill. So I turn to job satisfaction now and my old job wasn't doing that for me so maybe this one will. As long as it is a place that needs to be fixed and it sounds like it does then that will make things easier for me. I'm going to pour everything that I have into this job and make it my purpose. Does any of this make any sense I don't know. I have to think that I am where I am supposed to be right now at this moment in my life. I couldn't have even given this job a thought 3 years ago now I can. So I guess I'm making progress in my life, I'm moving forward not backwards where I was at a stand still for the last three years. It's hard to believe that 3 years have gone by I don't know where the time has gone but it is going. It's time now to live for me and enjoy. All I want is a job that will make me feel needed and this just may be that job.

Last shift!

2010-11-05T12:06:00.002-04:00

It's hard to believe that it's my last shift where I work. Last night was crazy it was so busy I was lucky that I made it through the shift keeping it together. We probably had close to a 11 people come and go on the floor. Hopefully tonight isn't as bad. I start the new job on Monday and it will be interesting to see how it goes everyone seems to think that I'll like it and that I'll do a good job I hope that is true. Thank goodness I have 30 days to see if I like it or not and I think that I will. It will be different then what I'm used to but I know everyone so I think that I'll do OK. I can't believe that it is almost over this stage of my life and that I'm starting a new one I guess this is the nice thing about where I work being able to change jobs and not lose everything, that my benefits all stay the same. I feel like writing and am not sure what to write about. I had my appointment yesterday with my Psychiatrist and it went well. I'm going to be going down to one day a week instead of two which I think that I'm ready for. She said that we will see how it goes and that there is always room if I need to see her twice a week she can work something out so not to worry. Lets just see how things go I should know with in a week or two how it goes. I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing with my evenings probably go and see my mother or sister. My appointments are going to be on Tuesdays after work so I'll be getting home later those days. That is the day that I have dinner with my mother and sister so I don't know if we will change it to another day or just eat later on. I'll have to see. The weather has been good so far lots of rain and over cast but it is supposed to be nice next week when I work. The clocks also go back this weekend so we get an extra hours sleep. It has been dreary for the past few days a little bit on the depressing side but I was able to sleep in this morning which was good I feel rested. Well I don't really know what else to write about. I'm getting a ride to and from work this evening so I don't have to worry about taking a taxi which is nice. I can't believe that I'm changing jobs it will be interesting. Well I guess that is about it for now I'll write later.

It's My Birthday!

2010-11-04T06:15:00.002-04:00

Only two more shifts to go before I start my new job next week. I don't know what to think about all of this but I think that I'm ready or at least as ready as I'll ever be. I'm looking forward to the change and I think that it will be a good change in my life right now. I need this change I think to have some purpose in my life. At least I hope that is what happens and I'll be helpful that is all that I'm really looking for is a purpose the girls are saying that they are going to miss me where I work right now I don't know why it is that you have to leave a place before you feel needed. Who knows maybe it won't work out and I'll go back to my old job. That is the one nice thing with this job that I have that you have the option to go back after 30 days but I think that it will work out and I'll like it. I know that I already like the sound of the hours 8 to 4 I'll be able to get to and from work by bus and if need be walk if I have to. Well I don't have my Christmas tree up this is the first time in I don't know how many years that I don't have it up before my birthday probably 10 years or so. I remember I had my tree up one Halloween I only did that once. The more I think about it the more that it is sounding right to get my tree up. Maybe next weekend I'll drag everything out get some more lights for the tree. I guess that is what is really holding me up is getting lights I have been busy buying a new wardrobe for my new job that I didn't get lights for the tree it will all work out in the end. First things first get ready for the new job. I have an appointment with my Psychiatrist this morning and I work this evening. It's hard to believe that I only have two more shifts to go. I was trying to figure out how long I had been working on the floor this time around and I really can't figure it out. I should forget my start date for this job it's almost like a birthday present for me. I'm getting used to getting up at this time in the morning. I think that I have it all figured out and everything will be OK. We will see how it goes. I'm nervous about the new job and excited as well. I guess that is to be expected. It has really kept my mind occupied not to many negative thoughts going through my head this week. I still wonder if I'm doing the right thing I guess I can only try and see how it goes and if I like it. I really can't go wrong and if I didn't try it I would only kick myself later on. I passed up one job in the cancer clinic 4 years ago because of my husbands health I can't pass this one up. The girls on the floor are having beats at how long it takes for me to come back. We will have to see how it goes as I have said I have 30 days to try it. Well I should really stop for now or write about some thing else like my birthday I guess I already did that. So that is about it for now I'll try and write later on or tomorrow.

I don't know?

2010-10-28T07:29:00.002-04:00

I'm excited about my new job. I am trying to figure out what time I'll have to get up at to go to work and I think a quarter to 6 is a good time it gives me time to take the dog out and have a couple cups of coffee and be able to write or surf the net which ever I want to do. I was hoping to take the weekend off before I start my new job but it looks like I'll only be able to take one day if that I'll have to see what the boss says. It also looks like I'm going to have to spend a small fortune in taxi cabs the week before I start my job. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. It doesn't seem real yet. I hope that it works out for me and I'm able to do it. I should think positive and say yes I can do it and I'll be fine if the girl before me could do the job then I should be able to do it as well. I'll be able to start early and finish late I'll give my all to the job and see how it goes. I think that a change right now is good for me and it will give me something else to focus on and I'll be fine. That is what I need is some thing new to focus on to change me thought pattern. I would be leaving for work about now and I think that I can handle that it will be ok. I'm really trying to give myself positive self talk right now and I need to move a head and grow this job gives me a change to improve myself and feel better about myself the type of job that I can stay in till I retire which is only 8 more years that's hard to believe that I can retire in 8 years but maybe I'll be able to stay longer in this job and work till I'm 65. I'm not sure that I want to go at 55 but who knows what will happen. So it could actually be 18 years before I retire. I like to think single digits for retirement right now it is a little easier to manage. Change is good and I think that I'm ready for a change in my life. It's the one nice thing about my job that I'm able to move around and not lose my seniority. Maybe I'll work as long as my sister has to and retire when she does. Just a thought.

Mentally I'm not doing to bad last night was a little ruff. Night time is always the worst I think that it was because I was looking at my vacation and the fact that I didn't have a ride next week after work and I would have to pay for taxi's. I need to get over that it doesn't take much some times to set me off and that is some thing that I worried about with taking the new job. How I'm going to handle it mentally and with the change of my appointments we will have to see how it goes. I think that I'm ready for the appointment change and that once a week will be ok for now I'll be tired and stressed the first week and I think that trying to fit two appointments in would be stressful. I only have 6 more shifts to go before the new job and that will be good. It's getting close. I need to try and keep my calm and see how it goes. I'm getting myself worked up and I should be doing that. This is good change is good I think that being with new people will help they won't know what is going on in my head. I don't know.

Haven't writen in a while!

2010-10-25T15:56:00.002-04:00

I haven't had the need I guess to write not that there is nothing going on but I guess it has just been the last two weeks that things are going on. My brother-in-law passed away he actually committed suicide that has been the hardest thing to deal with. I can understand of course feeling that way my self but I can see how hard it is on the rest of the family. We went to the funeral on the weekend and it was hard seeing my husbands sister looking so frail. She is a strong woman but she looked so frail on the weekend it has been hard on her. On a lighter note and which has helped me I'm going to start a new job in November. I'm looking forward to it and it has helped me mentally deal with my brother-in-laws death giving me something else to thing about. It's a clinic job working Monday to Friday weekends off and holidays off working 8:30 to 4:30 which will be good I'll be able to get to and from work by the bus or walk if I choose to. I'm looking forward to it. I had to get myself some new clothes to wear to work because I can actually wear street clothes instead of uniforms. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing but I think that I'm ready for a change to learn something new and have my own work space. I'll have my own cubical to work out of a place that I can make my own.

It was my sons birthday on the weekend and I made dinner for him and his oldest sister it went well. It's nice that she still calls me her step mother even though it has been 3 years since her father passed away. She was on about her fathers ashes and what I planned on doing with them. I still have them in my bedroom and plan on keeping them here with me until I pass away and then my son is going to mix our ashes together and keep us or bury us which ever he wants to do. I'm not sure why it was brought up but she blamed it on her aunt my husbands other sister. I'm not sure right now what I'm thinking.

My mind is just going a mile a minute and not really about anything in particular I'm tired today I help my nephew move some of his furniture that he had stored at my fathers place so I was up early this morning. I also went to my doctors appointment and told her about my new job so we had to plan our appointments out and we both decided that I'm probably ready to meet with her once a week now instead of twice so this is progress I guess. I think that is what is wrong with me so much change is going on in my life and I'm not really sure that I'm ready for it. So now we will be meeting at 5 on Tuesdays which is good, it doesn't interfere with my work so things are looking good. I think that I will have enough on my plate when the new job starts and I'll be able to do things in the evening. Like Wednesday night Dungeons and Dragons if I wanted to. Monday night photo club Saturday night meetings Sunday church there is so much more that I can do once I'm on a regular shift. This is all good and things are looking up this is great. Right? My son and I went to the mall so I could get my bus pass for November this way I'll be able to ride the bus any time that I want and not have to worry about it. I won't have to worry about having change on me and I'll be able to use my change for the laundry. I think that is this going to work out and all will be fine. I should really give my oldest son a call and tell him my news and see how it is doing. I'll probably be writing more often now that I have something new to write about and some thing new to occupy my mind with. I'm feeling pretty good right now better then I have felt in a few years.

I need to talk to someone!

2010-08-22T15:54:00.002-04:00

It's not so much needing to talk to someone as it is to listen. I'm not a big talker or at least not right now. I just need someone to talk so I can listen. I wish I was working right now and that would be better. At least I would be busy. I have been trying to be busy today and so far I have done ok just right now I'm not sure what I want to do I guess I should read or sleep. I'm tired today and don't really know what to do with myself. Well just a quick note for now I really don't know why I'm writing.

Lifes a pain!

2010-08-16T12:23:00.002-04:00

Just when you think that things are going good you end up with a slap in the face that really wakes you up. I don't know any more. I guess in a way I'm relieved. I was worried about my relationship with the guy from my building getting to strong and then his ex comes along and they are out for a walk with the dog. So all is good one would think I give up and give in. I guess there is nothing there which is a good thing. Just keep to my self and not let anything get in my way. I need to get myself better first and not worry about any one else but myself. Life's like that. I went to my appointment this morning and it went OK I wasn't able to talk about how I felt some times I try not to I try and let her think that things are going good. I did ask when these suicidal thoughts would stop and that I didn't think that they would ever stop. I didn't get an answer. I don't know what I'm going to do today I should go for a swim and lay out in the sun see if I can't get burned. Right now my soaps are on so I will probably watch them and that will kill a few hours then read a little bit do anything to try and keep my mind straight. Well I don't know what else to do I guess just forget about it and move on.

Restringed my guitar!

2010-08-14T19:33:00.002-04:00

Well I just put a new string on my guitar. It wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. I'm not sure how I feel this evening. I was at my sisters and I don't know what is the matter with me. I just don't feel right this evening I'm not sure what is wrong with me. My nieces friends mother passed away she was 47 and my sister thinks that maybe she committed suicide. I'm not sure how she knows this whether there is truth to it or not. But I guess my sister knew her sister-in-law and she said that it is amazing how something like that can affect so many people. I guess it got me thinking that if I took my own life then it would affect more people than I thought. So I have to think of every one else instead of myself. But it is difficult when you get in that frame of mind that you only think of your self and no one else. I'm tired tonight and that is when my mind starts to wander and go places that it shouldn't get going. I don't know when I'll ever feel right and what does it feel like to be right how does one get that way? I'm not sure how much longer I can go on like this I'm tired of feeling like a piece of crap all the time. I'm tired of waking up every morning. I just want to lose my self I don't know where but I would like to be somewhere other then in this life. It just doesn't feel right I feel that I am on borrowed time and that I'm only putting time in. I just don't know any more why do I have to feel the way that I'm feeling and when will it all stop. Right now I know only one way of stopping it and I'm trying hard not to think that way. Well I should stop and try and do some reading of some sort or do something that will stop this way of thinking. I know that it is only thoughts but some times they are so strong. It just doesn't stop and the thoughts keep going around and around. Stuck in that same grove and there is no getting out of it. I should get an early night tonight maybe play a little guitar now that I have my string restrung. I don't know. I was going to go to a meeting tonight but I changed my mind and thought that I would stay at home it just might be a talwin night tonight. Well I should stop for now and try and do something to occupy my mind.

Made an appointment with my Family Doctor!

2010-08-11T10:38:00.002-04:00

Well it will be interesting to see what my family doctor has to say. I need to get my prescriptions refilled and I have to make an appointment to see him for my talwin. I should really start taking my lipitor but I don't know why I don't I didn't get my blood work checked and I was supposed to do that as well. I don't feel to bad today which is kind of nice. I am going to try and write when I'm feeling good I seem to only write when I'm down and I guess that is normal. I went to an appointment with the guy from my building yesterday and that was a waste of time he didn't want to listen to what the doctor had to say. I guess he hates doctors appointments and hospitals in general. But I tried to help him and if he doesn't want to help himself then I guess he can get on with it. They wanted to do an ultra sound of his shoulder to see if there was anything more going on with it but he refused treatment. I did the best that I could and that is all that I can do how does the saying go you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. I work this evening which is a good thing. It will keep my mind occupied and I can get out of my head. I have started reading a book by Val McDermid called "Fever of the Bone" we will see how that one goes. I tried reading a book by Dorothy Sayers and found her very hard to follow, I guess I'm not the only one that finds her that way I want something that will catch my attention and is an easy read. Well I don't really have to much to write about. I have been working on the truck model that my nephew is having me build and it is a slow process. I had started painting it and the paint turned out crappy so I'm stripping it off it is soaking in engine degreaser which will remove paint from models and it's working we weren't sure if the auto motive paint would come off. So I'll give it a few more days of soaking and then try and remove the paint. I should really go for a swim but I'm just waiting for the laundry to finish before I do that and I think that it is done as we speak. Well I guess that is about it for now I'll try and write later on. I guess the whole point of this is to let me know that if I keep my mind occupied with other things then it doesn't give it a chance to let in the stupid thoughts that I have other wise.

Lonely today!

2010-08-08T07:17:00.002-04:00

I guess I have been dreaming about my husband the past few nights and that is why I feel lonely today. I just wish I could go back about 5 years not that I would do anything different maybe be a little more aggressive with his treatment of his health knowing now what I didn't know then. I don't know things might have turned out a little differently but then maybe not just a few more years it would have given me. But we can't change the past it is what it is, I just miss him so much and I wish that he was here with me. It's hard to believe that it has been 3 years since he passed away and nothing has really changed. I guess they have but I just feel like they are at a stand still. I don't think that my mind will get any better it is what it is. I'm stuck with these thoughts of suicide till the day that I die what ever way that will be. I have nothing to live for and I don't know what keeps me going but I try and work hard at it and not let myself get down. I'm trying to care for other people but how can I when I can't even care for myself. I still need to work on me and that is going to be an on going process. There has to be a reason why we are in this miserable world. What is my purpose? I always wonder and I don't think that I will ever find out maybe we aren't to find out I guess looking after my husband was my purpose and now that that is over with I'm to look after me??? I don't know any more and I probably shouldn't worry about it but that is what keeps going through my mind. I'm tired and just want everything to end but I guess my son isn't ready yet to lose his mother and I have to stick around to make sure that he gets his feet on the ground before I go anywhere. Do you ever wonder what is on the other side do we just die and return to the ground as fertilizer is that our purpose? Or is there something more out there after we die. I like to think that there is that there is a big meeting place in the sky. Where do our souls go once we take our last breath? How far does the universe go for does it just end at a brick wall what is on the other side of that wall? Where was I before this was I another person in an other life? Why did me life start now will it all make sense once we pass on or will it just be nothing like what we remember? What is the meaning of all of this? How did one know that my parents would get together that night it's not like I was planned. Not even wanted given up for adoption, rejected she never even looked at me wasn't interested. How could a person carry a child for 9 months then not even be interested in seeing the baby that she created? She should of never had me but here I am. I guess there was a time that I was great full that she carried me I wasn't conceived in love it was a date rape. Why put your self through that I guess she is a stronger person then I am. But then I couldn't give up either of my children I did the best I could but then they were both conceived in love and still loved now. I guess that is what make the difference between the two of us. It is best some times not knowing but then I always wanted to know why and now I know I don't understand. I thought that I was over this that I had worked past it and moved on I guess not all I have done is bury it like everything else in me life. I have talked about this with my psychiatrist and this is all part of my separation anxiety. I don't know. I feel that I should finish off what she should have done a long time ago. I fantasize that she had a love affair with a married man and didn't what to destroy is his life so gave me up that they really didn't want to give me up but they had to because it would hurt to many people. That they felt that they did the right thing for me letting another family take me in. Oh well move on get on with life I have to live it any way why not make the best of it. But how do you make the best of it when you have no desire to live? How do you get that desire to live what makes people go on from day to miserable day and live life? How does one live life to the fullest? What makes people tick? So many questions and no answers. I don't think that there are any answers to life. I know that I should want to live that I have two beautiful sons a job a place to live it just doesn't seem like enough. When I had my husband he was able to get me out of this we would go for a drive go fishing just be together holding one another and now I don't have that. There are people out there that would take his place but I don't want that I don't know what I want? I just want my husband back.

Another day!

2010-08-05T07:06:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was a bit of a write off. It wasn't a good day for me. I couldn't stop the negative thoughts. I don't know why but I couldn't there seemed to be nothing that was going wrong in my life so I don't know what happened. I tried to keep busy but there was nothing that I could do to make the time go by. I feel the same today but I don't know what I'm going to do to change the day. I have my appointment today at 10:15 so I'll keep that and see where to go from there. I really don't know any more what makes life tick? I try to keep a positive out look but I just can't do it today or yesterday. Even work didn't help it was a bit of a distraction but not much. I thought to much about suicide fantasized about it. Not caring who I hurt or what problems it would cause. I used my talwin to numb myself so I wouldn't have to think. Tuesday I was dehydrated and that was what ruined my day then. So I have been trying to drink enough fluids and it has made it a bit better. I tried swimming hoping that would help. I have nothing that I can do or to much to do and no ambition to do it. I slept a lot the past few days and today I haven't slept enough. I just can't seem to find a happy medium right now. I should practice my guitar do that and see how it goes. Watching tv doesn't seem to help it feels like I'm wasting time by watching tv. My mind seems to have a mind of it's own. These are only thoughts right and I don't have to act on them push them out of my mind and think positive happy thoughts. Gratitude that's what I need. Be grateful that I have a job to go to and that there are people in my life that I can help. I don't know what to think right now? Why does this happen to me and what causes it why when things where going smoothly and everything seemed to be ok. I started a model truck and it was going good till I messed up the paint job, all I have to do is strip off the paint and start over again it should be fine and there is nothing to worry about but is that all it takes is making a small mistake and it sets me off? It can be fixed and I can start again fresh. I haven't been practicing my guitar, I haven't been reading, I have only been doing laundry and cleaning the apartment. I don't know? I need to do something creative to make me happy. Why do I think that I have to be happy all the time. I just really want to be content not necessarily happy just content. Well I should have a bath and get myself ready for my appointment and pratice my guitar for a little bit see how I do.

I feel a bit better this morning!

2010-08-01T09:38:00.003-04:00

It's off to the hospital to get his shoulder looked at this morning just waiting for his phone call. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not but I have nothing else to do this morning so I might as well go for a walk. I guess I needed the sleep I'm a little drained and I don't know what to think any more. I'm trying to do the right thing keeping busy and helping others. He scared me the other day and I don't like to see people think the way I think all the time. I guess when I hear people talk about suicide I figure that they must think about it as much as I do. I think that he does think about it more then most people and it could just be depression right now that he is having. I don't know. I just feel that if some one expresses how they are feeling that they think about it as much as I do. I have to be pretty depressed to mention it out loud and I don't want people to think that I'm crazy so I don't mention it except for here. Here is my safe place like with my psychiatrist. Some place where I can talk about it and not worry about up setting people. It is difficult walking around feeling the way I feel most of the time. But I work hard at staying in this life. It is hard work and it takes time to get past this. I read back through my writing a year ago and things really haven't changed that much I'm still on the same medication since December so I think that I have just decided that I have to work at trying to stop these thoughts that come into my head. I haven't had to take an Olanzipine in the last little while so I must be doing something right. I did sleep well last night and dream my dreams where all over the place and I dreamt about my husband which I haven't done in a long time. But rereading my journal it doesn't surprise me at all. I guess to that I'm going to meet with my husbands oldest daughter tomorrow that didn't help even though I didn't dream about her. It just brought everything to my mind. Well I should really stop writing and see what he plans on doing.

Well we made it to the hospital and he got his shoulder looked at and sure enough he has a fracture so they put him in a sling which he only kept on for a few hours and found that it pulled to much on his neck. At least he now knows what is wrong with it and they say that it will take 6 weeks to heal. I've been down to the pool twice and to my sisters for supper. It was a good day I'm a little tired right now and should get to bed early for a change. Even though tomorrow is a holiday my psychiatrist is still going to see me she said that she had to come into town any way and that I might as well keep my appointment. I'm still feeling at odds tonight but not that bad. I felt that way all day so it was a good thing that I kept busy. My nephew said that he would take me down to my appointment which is good and we are going to pick out some paints for my mode truck that he wants me to build. He's right into the model building and does a great job at them he does a lot of scratch building. Mine are pretty basic right now but I did do a model car and cut out the door it turned out really good. Now I'm working on painting my models with actual car paint to make it as shinny as possible. So it requires painting and putting on a clear coat and baking it for about 15 to 30 minutes so your able to put on 7 layers. Plus sanding and using rubbing compound to make it shine. Just something to work at and see how it goes. Something to keep my mind occupied just a little project. I have to figure out how to put it together and whether to paint the pieces first then put it together or put it together then paint it I might try it both ways to see how it turns out and if one way doesn't turn out then I'll do it the other way. Well I didn't hear from my husbands daughter today so I guess we are not getting together tomorrow. Maybe she call tomorrow I don't know. Well I should start getting ready for bed I'm tired, it's been a long day. We walked from down town to home so I should sleep well tonight. It helped to pass the time. I needed not to think today and I still need not to think this evening so time for bed.

Well another day gone by!

2010-07-31T22:18:00.003-04:00

I didn't and really don't know what to call today. I think that I got a little to much sun today. I went shopping again with my friend from the building and spent most of the day with him. Tomorrow we are going down to the hospital to get his shoulder looked at. My son told me not to get to involved with him that he didn't want to see me hurt. I think that I know what I'm doing and he knows that I don't drink and as long as he sticks around me he doesn't drink either. I don't know maybe I'm just fooling myself but I do care about him as a friend I told him what my son said so I don't know. Am I just stupid can you not have a friend that is a guy. I don't know any more I haven't dated in a long time and there is no reason why I can't have a friend. I don't have to hang around him if he drinks. He seemed a little down tonight but then I guess one can't be up all the time. I went to a meeting and it was a little stressful. There was a guy that was drunk and I know that we are to help any one but the men took over and helped him out to detox. I just find it difficult to be around someone that has been drinking and could be ugly. That the one thing with my friend here that he is a quiet drunk and only does himself harm. I don't know what to think any more I think that I'm going crazy. I know I keep writing that but my head is screwed up I should really go to bed and get some sleep I haven't eaten much today but then I'm not hungry tomorrow is another day and lets just get through this night and wake up in the morning everything will be different. I'm getting my self down I don't have many friends and he is a good friend I'm able to talk to him or at least I think that I'm able to talk to him. I have been able to tell him thing that I don't share with other people and I need someone adult to talk to. Well I should let it go and get to bed but I'm not tired right now and feel like writing. When will my head ever get straight. I'm going insane and I don't know what to do about it. I should probably eat more right now maybe my head wouldn't be so screwed up. Well another day has gone by and nothing really has changed in my life. It's still as miserable as ever. At least when I'm with him I can take my mind off my own worries for a change and we are able to talk about anything and everything. Isn't that what friend ship is all about. Tomorrow will be another day and I'll have to face the problems of that day. Just worry about now. I really don't want to go there I need to get to bed and get some sleep but I'm up tight. Why am I in this miserable life and what is the use of being here? Why am I going there right now? It was one of those days that I needed to have someone around me just to keep me sane. To take my mind off myself and stop it from wandering and right now it is wandering. How can I go from a good day to something that is so negative? But that is how my mind goes it can all of a sudden for no reason go dark and dark is where it is right now. It would be so easy to end it all but I struggle to keep myself in this world and why what is my purpose. I was told today that helping keeping him sane was my purpose in life and I guess if that is all I do is help one person sane then I have done my job. I need to keep myself busy and get out of this frame of mind they are only thoughts and I don't have to act on them. Life really isn't that bad. We walked a lot today which was great I could go for a walk right now to try and get out of my head. I really need to get out of my head right now. Think of things that I can be grateful for. My life really hasn't changed in the three years that I have been here I'm at a stand still. Who the hell am I writing to anyway? I really don't know what the purpose all this is for but it helps to get the screwed up thoughts out of my head and I can look back on them to see how I have improved or not and right now I don't feel that I have improved. My head is a mess. I'm sorry if I'm only rambling on but I need to get this out of my system. Shit my head is screwed on backwards. Screwed seems to be my new word for the day. I don't know there I go again. Time to stop and give it a rest and get some sleep. I'll wake up in the morning with a different perspective at least I hope so.

I was doing a little reading back through my thoughts a year ago and things really haven't changed that much. I don't see myself getting better.

Another day!

2010-07-30T13:10:00.003-04:00

Well my friend from the building made it through the night and is doing better today. Not as down as he was yesterday. I'm glad. But now he is checking in with me every time he turns around which is good I was worried about him yesterday he'll be ok today as long as he can stay away from the alcohol. Well just a quick note I have to get ready for work.

Well I got ready for work and had a pretty busy shift. I also called him twice from work and he didn't touch a drop of alcohol today and he ate dinner just soup and a sandwich but at least it was some thing. He sounds much better then he did and we got through this one I'm glad he's a really nice guy and doesn't deserve the treatment that he has been getting. He waited for me after work and we had a smoke and coffee together out side the apartment building. He said that he's going to sleep and get some rest tomorrow we are probably going to go shopping for groceries for him and sunday we plan on going down to the hospital to get his shoulder looked at. I don't know if we will walk down or what we will do but he needs to have it looked at and if going with him helps then that is what we will do. I got sunburned today sitting out in the sun by the pool the weather has been great it's cool again this evening and it was nice today. So maybe the heat wave has broke. Well I should really get to bed and get some sleep. I was tired until I had the coffee now I'm awake. Just one more smoke then bed.

I don't know what to think anymore!

2010-07-29T23:47:00.002-04:00

One of my friends that lives here in the building is going through a ruff time. I've been where he is right now and that is at the bottom of a bottle. He was saying that he is at the end of his rope and was tired and just wanted to give up. I've called him a few times this evening and hopefully he has passed out. I'll have to check on him in the morning to see how he is. There really isn't to much that I can do for him he needs to realize that life isn't that bad and that it is worth living. I just hope he is ok tonight and just sleeping it off. I don't know what else to do for him I've tried to make him responsible for his dog and bird that he has and for me. But I know where he is coming from and I was there and have been there and still go there many times. So I know how he feels that life is hopeless. I should really get some sleep and then I can be there for him tomorrow. When he comes out of his shell. I just pray that nothing has happened to him. I don't know how I'll take it if something has gone wrong and he has taken his own life. He sounded pretty good the last time that I talked to him. So I hope he is ok. I took my first cab home this evening it cost 11.50 which isn't to bad. I don't plan on doing that all the time but the odd time isn't to bad. I just need to go over to the store tomorrow and then swim that is about all I have to do and work on my tan, it is really coming along. It has just started to rain out so I'm going to have to close my window this evening to sleep. I don't really know what to think about my friend and the situation that he is in right now. I don't know? I guess there is nothing that I can do until the morning and I'll see how he is. This really has be at sorts I need to get some sleep myself so I'll see how things are in the morning.

Was thinking of Riding my Bike!

2010-07-29T07:56:00.003-04:00

I thought about riding my bike to my appointment this morning but the way my hip is feeling I'm going to have to take the bus. I'm afraid that once I get out there it will hurt to much. It just seems to be one thing or the other. I lose my licence and now my hip has given out on me so I can't even walk. I don't know what to do. It's not fair. Even with this I feel not to bad. I really don't know what I'll do tonight at work I guess I'll have to take a cab home. This isn't fair. I guess I just have to give my hip a rest I don't really know what set it off whether it is the swimming that I have been doing I'm not sure if my back is causing my hip to go or if it is just my hip that is causing the problem. I don't know what to do. I guess wait till tomorrow when I don't have to be any where and try biking and see how it goes maybe bike over to my nephews and see how that goes. I was tired this morning when I first got up but now I'm not feeling to bad. It just seem to be one thing or another that goes wrong in my life. I haven't been practicing the guitar I should really be doing that. I also haven't been playing Red Dead Redemption. I don't know what I have been doing. I guess swimming or sun bathing. I guess all I can do is giving the biking a try and see how that goes. I don't know what to do. Why are these things happening to me? I really don't know any more. I guess have another cup of coffee and debate what I'm going to do this morning. I'm just tired of all of this.

Letting some one in!

2010-07-27T07:19:00.002-04:00

This has been the week for letting people into my personal space. I don't know why I have such a problem with it but I do. I'm having my friend over from work and I have just spent the last hour cleaning my apartment I started early I could go for a swim right now I'm so hot. We are going swimming in the pool later on and I'll have her over for lunch maybe bagels and cream cheese or something like that. I feel better about my apartment right now. There is nothing wrong with it but I just feel like there is. I don't know if I wrote yesterday that my hip has been giving me a problem I don't know if it is from my back or what is causing the problem but it hurts. My appointment yesterday was good I was able to get a lot of my chest and get some of my problems figured out. I have been worried about not having my licence and still owning a car but I guess that is fine as long as I'm not the one driving it I can still own a car and let some one else drive me around. That was one of my biggest problems still owning the truck and paying insurance on it. I still have payments to make on it and I'm not going to be able to transfer it into my sons name right now. Eventually that is what I would like to do and get it out of my name but for now it isn't possible. He has been able to get a drive to work with one of the other people that he works with which is great so now he doesn't have to lose any work it is something that maybe he will be able to do once he gets his truck back on the road to save on gas and miles on the truck. He was ready to bike to work this week but it is a long bike ride I know I used to do it to and from years ago. I was in great shape then. Well I'm getting quite the tan now with hanging out at the pool everyday. It has been great I have been going down there about twice a day once in the afternoon and then again before bed. I feel good this morning I have been feeling that way for the past couple of weeks now the negative thoughts have really calmed down. I still have them but I have been able to push them out of my mind a lot easier. Well I should really have a bath and then I'll be ready to go for the day. It feels strange feeling so good and not depressed like I have been. I just pray that this stays and doesn't go.

Playing Red Dead Redemption!

2010-07-25T20:29:00.002-04:00

I've been playing Red Dead Redemption by far the best game yet that I have for the PS3. Between that and the pool that is what I have been doing the past few days and laying in the sun. I feel good tonight and my mind hasn't been wandering tried to talk to my Son about losing my licence on Wednesday because of my vision. I didn't really get very far with him but he is aware of all the problems that it has. Well I don't really have to much to say tonight but I didn't really know what else to do. I have been playing the game for a total of 3 and a half hours so far and we only got the game yesterday. I didn't get much sleep last night only about 4 hours I should try and get to sleep early tonight for a change. Maybe do a little bit of reading do something a little different.

Well I just don't know any more!

2010-07-23T11:57:00.002-04:00

I think that I have used this title before I just don't know any more I really don't. Things are only going to get worse now and I have no control over it. It is raining out and the sky is grey just like my mood. I can't see that I will get through this but at least I have a way out of this misery if I choose to take it. That is one thing that keeps me going knowing that I have a way out I know I shouldn't think that way but there is nothing else to live for. My mind has been negative the past few days and it is always on my mind. There is no getting away from it. I was able to numb it last night because of my talwin and it did a good job. It's to the point that I can't take any more bad news. Life is only getting worse by the minute and there is nothing I can do about it. I just want to stop thinking and pretend nothing has happened. There is just so much that has gone wrong in my life that there is no way out. I just feel like screaming but that will do no good.

Life couldn't get worse!

2010-07-22T23:48:00.002-04:00

I lost my licence the other day because of my vision. My son's truck has broken down and he's up in Port Hope. I really don't know any more what to do. Life sucks right now and I don't know what to do about it. I guess there is really nothing that I can do right now but just I don't know.

Tired!

2010-07-19T20:08:00.002-04:00

I didn't sleep well last night and I'm trying to stay up so I get some sleep tonight. My appointment we ok today. I didn't really talk about much just that today just that I was tired and a bit down and probably about having my visual field test coming up on Wednesday. I'm a little worried about it that I might lose my licence. I have still been practicing my guitar I made the mistake of listen to some classical guitar tonight and I really can't see that I'll be able to play like that. But then I guess it takes some practice a lot of practice on my part and I'm starting off at the beginning and really slow. I'll just have to see how it goes and take it from there. I went to my sisters after my appointment and she is still working on her kitchen it is getting there slowly we had to go and exchange the paint today because she wanted an oil base paint and they had given her a latex. So she now has a base coat on or a primer on and then will be able to paint tomorrow with the oil. I hope she likes it when it is done and I hope that it gets done quick enough for her with as little problems as possible. Peoples moods today where a little raw. Mine I was tired and didn't feel like doing much and still don't feel like doing much I'm going to bed early and get some sleep. Tomorrow I'm going out with a girl friend from work we are going over to Wolfe Island to Big Sandy Bay to go swimming. The pool should also be open tomorrow as well. I'm looking forward to that. Well that is about it for now I'll try and write again tomorrow.

Good day today!

2010-07-18T20:28:00.002-04:00

I didn't do much this morning except work on my guitar playing. Practiced and worked a bit on the theory. Then the rest of the day I spent at my sisters working in her kitchen stripping wall paper. I thought that she was crazy doing her kitchen before she went back to work, but it turned out not to bad. We were able to get all of the wall paper off and now all she has to do it paint it. There was four of us working at it today so it didn't take us long at all. Now I'm home and able to work a bit more on my practicing and it is really coming along. Just working away a lesson at a time and spending a week on each lesson to make sure that I know it backwards and fore wards. I'm pleased how I'm doing. Just picking away at it a little at a time and getting there slowly. I have the books so I might as well work at it and learn it. I'm tired tonight I should sleep well. I'll try and get to bad early this evening and get some sleep. I didn't go to church this morning and I probably should have done but I didn't oh well there is next week I'll go then. Well just a quick note for now back to practicing. I'm enjoying it.

Working hard to day to keep positive!

2010-07-17T12:50:00.002-04:00

I slept in this morning which was good and I have already done a load of laundry plus practiced my guitar. I have to work hard at keeping positive today. My mind wants to wander and go away with it's self. I'm not quite sure what is wrong with me today but I'm starting a new lesson in my guitar and having to work at it so I don't know if that is it. It's only the beginning of the week I'm spending 7 days on each lesson so I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I have the whole week to work at it and it will get better with practice. I just think that I should know this stuff and be able to play like a seasoned player. I don't know why I feel that way. I remember taking piano lessons and listening to my sister and I couldn't play like her but then she had been playing for two years before me and my mother would criticize me and my playing having to listen to it again and again. It takes me a little longer to practice and I have to work at it that was one reason why I wanted to play the guitar it was something that I could take to my bed room and play with out her critical voice in the back ground. I don't know why I would let it bother me but I did and it was difficult as a child living up to their expectations. I don't know why I'm going there today but I am I guess it is still to close for comfort these feelings that I have. Well it is this that I'm working through with my psychiatrist. Thursdays appointment went well I had a pretty good week last week and didn't have to many negative thoughts and if I did it was wondering why I haven't had the negative thoughts that I have, so I would quickly push them aside. So my appointment on Thursday was working on small talk which is difficult for me. I like it when I can get my Psychiatrist to do most of the talking, I guess it is sort of a game that I play to see how much talking she will do. I don't know if she realizes what I'm doing probably she does because Thursday was an easy appointment. It is difficult when I don't know what to say and I should speak what is on my mind that isn't easy because it is usually one thing that is running through my head and I get tired to talking about it all the time. I was able to talk about letting people in my life and in my home the trouble that I have doing that. It's not easy letting people in I guess I did most of the talking come to think of it. It is difficult for me to let people in my life and especially in my home. My home is my place where I can run away and get away from people and if I start letting them in I have no way of getting away from them. If I'm at their house I can get away but when they are here I can't exactly ask them to leave. I also feel that my place isn't good enough that every ones place is better then mine. It is from being put down by my mother not that she would criticize my place but other people's places that were similar to mine so if she thinks their place isn't good enough then mine obviously isn't good enough either. If I don't choose to decorate my home the way she has hers then it's just not good enough. So there for I don't let people in then I don't have to worry about my home and what it looks like. I'm happy here and I guess that is all that matters. I should probably stop writing now and read a little bit do something positive.

Week one complete!

2010-07-17T00:34:00.002-04:00

Well I have been practicing the guitar for a week now and am ready to move on to the next lesson. I have also been doing theory as well. Hopefully I can keep this up and move forward with my guitar playing. My sister got a job today she starts a week Monday. I'm glad for her that things have worked out. It will be much better for her now that she has a job. Well I have been feeling pretty good and able to keep my mind from wandering which is great, the guitar has really helped and so has the theory. Lets see how far I can go with this and keep up the practicing. I haven't been able to quit smoking yet but that will come sooner then later I hope but I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I don't know where my guitar playing is going to take me and how far I will go with it but I'll give it a try and see how it goes. I practice about 15 minutes to half an hour a day and spend that much if not a little bit more on theory. Well just a quick note for now I'll try and write more tomorrow.

Laundry this morning!

2010-07-14T08:15:00.002-04:00

I just can't seem to get ahead, nothing seems to be working. My glasses have set me back and I don't know what I'm going to do. I get an extra pay in August so maybe I'll be able to get caught up then it all depends whether I can wait that long. I just don't know how I get myself into these messes. It really gets me down and there is nothing I can do but wait, that is what kills me is the waiting. I really don't know. Try and think positive and not have negative thoughts. I'll be glad when this life is over with and I don't have to worry any more I don't understand what the purpose of this is but I guess there is nothing I can really do about it but make the best of it. Well I work this evening and that will help keep my mind off of things. The pool is coming along and soon we will be able to go swimming I can't wait. Well I should really stop writing. I go to my appointment tomorrow and I'll have to take the bus down. I took the Jeep in to get fixed and who knows how long it will be in there for and I don't really care. I'll probably lose my licence any way when I get my visual field test done. Well I guess that is about it for now I'll try and write later on.

Started a new book today!

2010-07-13T16:09:00.002-04:00

I'm reading 'Unnatural Death' by Dorothy Sayers. They are also filling the pool today so they are getting there. I got my new glasses yesterday and what a difference they make. I also took the Jeep in to get it fixed so I'm with out a vehicle for now and with that test coming up I might end up not driving at all, we will have to see. Well I'm thinking of not smoking I haven't had a smoke since this morning and I have run out so I'm thinking about it. I'll have to see how things go. I want to make sure that I still lose weight and not start eating crazy. So I'll have to be careful. I tryed to have a nap and it didn't work I'm tired and didn't know what to do with myself but I couldn't sleep. Well that's about it for now just a quick note I'll write later on.

Made it through the meeting!

2010-07-11T06:37:00.003-04:00

I didn't do to bad last night I was able to keep control of my social anxiety and get through the meeting. I'm listening to a speaker meeting online right now it's pretty good. I have been also practicing the guitar as well and doing not to bad at that either. So all is good today so far. I should probably go back to bed and get some sleep but I though that I would have a coffee and listen. I'll write later on.

Well I didn't really do much today just read and slept. I don't know why I was so tired today except it was from the heat. I'm still tired and could go back to bed and get some more sleep. I'm trying to finish the book I'm reading but it has gotten a bit slow for me right now. Well just a quick note I'll try and write tomorrow.

Still a heat wave!

2010-07-10T12:43:00.003-04:00

The heat has been unbearable and still it goes on. I'm doing laundry right now trying to get caught up. I have a meeting tonight which I'm chairing I haven't chaired a meeting in 3 months let alone gone to one but I'm sure I'll be fine I might melt though that it the only problem. Well I'm still keeping the weight off and losing some more not much only about a pound or two which is good, I hope I can keep it up. I feel not to bad today last night was a bit strange I don't know what was wrong with me but I felt agitated and I'm not sure why? At least I feel better today just a little restless but not to bad considering I'm chairing the meeting. I should be fine I have done it many times before and it's not that difficult. Well my friend from the meeting wants me to go to dinner tomorrow with his sister as well she is a good cook and would like to see me too. I don't know I don't really feel like going but then it would be something to do on Sunday instead of hanging around with my family. They are away today any way up to Ottawa to see my god mother it's her birthday. Well I should stop writing for now and get my laundry done I'll try and write later on.

Well it is getting closer to the meeting and I'm getting nervous. It has been a long day but I did get things done today which is good. And it's still hot but I have been doing pretty good at keeping cool or not getting over heated. I picked up my guitar again and I should really work at playing it I have one and I really need to sit down and learn how to play. It will give me something to do and keep my mind from wandering.

Heat wave!

2010-07-08T06:44:00.002-04:00

I can't get over the heat it is killing me. My medication causes me to sweat at the best of times let alone with this heat it's unbearable. My air conditioner broke so all I have is a couple of fans that keep me cold. I was able to finally get to sleep last night and don't feel to bad this morning. It's a good thing that there is air at work. I'm living off of coffee and toast I really don't feel like eating anything else. The air was so still last night and no noise what so ever it made it kind of eerie at least this morning I can hear the birds it makes you feel alive. I was on Pal talk last night for a while trying to get myself tired it was about 1:30 before I fell asleep. Well I don't really know what to write. I have my appointment today which I'm going to have to walk to I'll have to take the Jeep in to get it fixed next week when I'm off. It will probably take him a few weeks to get to it and get it fixed. Well I should really stop writing when I don't have anything to say I ramble when I'm like this. I'll try and write later on. I seem to be doing pretty good thou I just need to keep it that way.

I'm not to sure!

2010-07-07T10:10:00.003-04:00

Well I'm not to sure today how I feel. I have lost 5 pounds the past few days with the heat I just haven't felt like eating. Trying to drink lots of fluids but that is difficult. Things have been tight this week money wise but I think that I'm going to make it through. I have been trying to save up to get my glasses which cost a small fortune. I think that I'm going to get there. Things are a little stress full around the apartment but I'm trying to keep things simple but I don't know what to think right now. I am still sleeping a lot which I think that the heat doesn't help so I'm not getting myself worked up over that. I don't know what to think right now. I'm trying to keep a straight head on my shoulders but it isn't easy. I went to my appointment on Monday and I don't know. I try and talk about what is on my mind and where my mind goes but I got the impression that she didn't want to talk about it. It takes over my thoughts and I have no control over it some times there is nothing I can do about it. So I kept the conversation light. I think that my son would forget his head it wasn't attached to his body. I really don't know what to think some times. Well I should stop writing and give myself a break. I'm tired of life right now just going through the motions so far it is working. I have to change my way of thinking. I need to find some purpose in life and right now I don't feel that I have one. I feel like I'm only a bank account to my son and nothing more. There just isn't a week that goes by that he's looking for money I thought things would change when he got a job but it hasn't I don't know what he spends his money on but he does. Well that is it for now I'll try and write later on when I'm feeling a bit better.

I had two cups of coffee at work and probably will have problems going to sleep tonight. The evening went pretty good and I have had a pretty good day even in this heat feels like 32c out and no breeze. I don't know how I'm going to sleep in this?

Slept well last night!

2010-07-05T06:37:00.002-04:00

I went to bed early in the evening to watch TV and ended up sleeping I was able to sleep all night as well. I'm still tired this morning didn't feel like getting up. They put a cast on my niece they didn't think that it was broken but they will wait for the xrays to see what they say. She's going to take the rest of the week off and go back to camp next weekend. It's going to be a warm day today I should see what my dad is doing and go swimming in his pool. I probably won't but it just a thought. I go to my appointment this morning and I'll have a lot to talk about this morning with the weekend and all. Well I'm feeling not to bad this morning just tired and a little disappointed that I still feel tired and hot. There is supposed to be a breeze today which is good I don't know what to do with myself today maybe some laundry and that's about it. I'll read.

Happy July 4th USA!

2010-07-04T15:22:00.002-04:00

Now that my head is on straight and I'm able to think of others instead of myself. I went with my nephews to pick up my niece from camp she injured her thumb playing volley ball. She's working as a camp counselor so it was a nice drive. I also spoke to my friend that I was going to go to the wedding with and he said that it was a good time and that I would have been fine there. I know that now but at the time I couldn't go. So I got a lot done this afternoon I have been playing round with my phone as well my cell phone. I have been able to do my banking and check my rogers account there is so much that I can do with my phone now it's unbelievable. Well I thought that I would write a quick note and maybe do some reading or have a nap actually I think that I'll pass on the nap and stay awake maybe I'll be able to go to bed at a decent time tonight.

Running on four hours of sleep!

2010-07-04T06:22:00.004-04:00

I should really be going back to bed but I'm wired. I tried to sleep last night and couldn't get to sleep until 2:30. I went on Pal Talk to one of the trivia rooms and played until 1:30 then tried to read for an hour before I turned out the lights and made myself go to sleep. I feel a little bit better this morning but I'm still at odds whether I should go to the wedding or not and what I should wear. What to do? I'm not as tense as I was last night but I can feel the tension starting to build. I think that I'm going crazy over this and I shouldn't I don't really know what to wear I thought that I had it all picked out but I don't want to seem to over dressed. I know that I can back out this morning and my friend will be ok with it but I would like to go it's not really over dressing to some people it's just I don't know. Don't worry I'm not going to keep on about it for long it's just a hard decision to make. On the other had I'm going to be able to get my glasses this Friday which will be good. I was able to save up the money to get them paid for. It's about time that I pick them up they are my first pair of bi-focal gasses so it will be interesting to see how I make out with them. It's a lot of money to put out at once but I have needed them for a while for almost two years so it's time. Hopefully they will do me for a while. It will be interesting to see how my visual field test works out as well. Well I'm at sorts right now. I need to do something other then thinking about this wedding. I should read for a while.

Well I can't go I started to get ready and it was just to much for me. So here I sit, the guy I was going with understands my soical anxiety and is fine with me not going he said that he would call me this afternoon I feel a bit better now and I'll just have a cup of coffee and a smoke and calm myself down. It's not easy. Now I just have to be careful that I don't beat myself up over it. It might have been a bit different if I knew them a bit better and had gone to a few more meetings and had been there went the invitation went out. I don't know, I think I'm only fooling myself into thinking that. I just wish that I could do things like my sister and mother can it is a big step for me to go out like that maybe the next time. I don't know and I know I keep on saying that but I can't help it. All this work up for nothing.

My first weekend off.

2010-07-03T10:13:00.006-04:00

I have spent the morning so far in bed I need the sleep. I have been sleeping a lot lately but I guess that is ok. I haven't really been staying up that late at night but I guess late enough. I'm not sure how I feel today my mood is sort of down. I'm nervous about going to going to dinner. I just had a panic attack not really I thought that I had mentioned his name I'm trying not to mention any names here. I don't know why but it has been something that I have been doing all along. But any way I'm going to dinner tonight and going to open a meeting with a guy I know from AA. I haven't been to a meeting in a while and thought that I best go. It was also at the advice of my Psychiatrist that I go. So that is what I'm doing today. I should really do some shopping as well but I really don't feel like getting myself moving. So here I sit and write. My appointment went well yesterday and I have been feeling pretty good. I really don't feel that bad today so I have been doing good for about a week now. The thoughts aren't as bad as they have been either. I have been able to keep them at bay. I'm not letting them control my life right now and I'm able to do it which is great. I'm finding that reading has really been helping me that it gets me out of my head. This is the first time that I have been able to read in a long time which is good. I'm able to concentrate enough to read. I should really do some house work the dog is shedding up a storm I don't know where all the hair is coming from. My place is a mess. I should really clean out my cup boards as well. There is so much to do and I really don't feel like doing a thing. I need to get my but moving.

Well I went to dinner and it went well, then to an AA meeting which was a little tense. Tomorrow I'm going to a wedding so I'm doing everything that my Psychiatrist wanted me to do. She felt that I should go to the wedding and attend more meetings so that is what I'm doing. I don't know if I can do the wedding or not. Well I'll see how things go in the morning. Maybe I'll call my mum in the morning and see what she has that I can wear. I really don't know this is a pretty big step for me with my social anxiety but the guy I'm going with understands how I feel so that's ok. I don't know what to think or what to do. I'll have to see how it goes tomorrow when I wake up. It will be interesting to see. Well I should really go to bed and get some sleep. I have a headache I know it is just tension I said I would go so I should go. I'll have to see. I don't know I know I keep saying that I have been saying that a lot this past little while. It has certainly given me something else to think about and keep my head from wandering. Well I have my outfit picked out and I know that I'll look ok in it and be cool so I think that I can do this right just get it over with and everything will be ok. Positive self talk that is what I need to do. Just go and have some fun right, that is all I have to do. The guy I'm going with is the same one that I had dinner tonight with and he is wearing a suit so I shouldn't look out of place we'll looking ok together. This isn't easy for me to do chairing an AA meeting is easier then this. Well I don't really know what else to say so I should really stop and go to bed and get some sleep but I'm not tired. I don't know any more. Help, what should I do? It's hard to believe that I am 46 years old I sound like a school kid going out on my first date, I guess that is almost what I feel like. Now my head starts to wander I have to stop from doing that. I pray that no one reads this they will think that I am crazy, I know that I'm crazy.

Canada Day!

2010-07-01T07:21:00.006-04:00

Well I'm not doing anything spacial except work today which is fine with me. My son is going to a parade with a friend of his they have a truck that they have lifted that is in the parade. I'm just going to sit and read or maybe go back to bed and get some more sleep I have been sleeping a lot lately I'm not sure what that is all about. The book I'm reading isn't that bad it certainly takes my mind off my problems not that I really have any problems. I think that 'August' was a little to close to home since it was about psychoanalysis. It was very well written and it did keep your interest but I'm glad that I'm finished it and now reading a sci-fi. I feel pretty good today. I have been working at trying to keep the thoughts away so far so good. I still have them I just don't entertain them and dwell on them like I have been. Which makes my mood much better. I don't know what was wrong with me that past few weeks but I'm hoping that it has passed. I'm just watching the news about the 2 year old that smokes and I don't know what to make of it. I started when I was 11 and that was to early. I can't imagine a 2 year old that smokes and smokes more then I do. Well I should do some reading and see if I can't kept my head straightened around. It doesn't take much to get it started. I'm not sure that writing is helping me or hurting me. Just thinking back to my own childhood and I don't know that is enough to depress any one but I'm past that and on my own now and doing fine. It was just a short time in my life that I should be able to forget it or at least deal with it. I'm going to read for now I'll write later on. Last night wasn't to bad at work but my mind did wander a few times but I made it through. Well I need to stop thinking right now it's not helping.

Well I'm typing at work because I have nothing to do right now and I'm trying to look busy. I'm afraid that some one will look over my shoulder and read what I'm typing. So I don't want to write something to revealing. Well it has been a pretty good evening so far and nothing out of the ordinary has happened. Only one more shift to go and I'll be off for the weekend. I didnt' do much today but sleep and read. I really need to do a little bit more with my days but I don't know what to do. I have my appointment tomorrow. Well I should probably stop writing and do something productive but I don't really know what to do. So instead I sit here and write and really don't know what to say. The book I'm reading isn't to bad. I could sit and read but then that doesn't look very good. I have problems sitting and looking at a news paper I should check my hospital email that's what I'll do.

Still nothing to do but sit and write. I'm not doing to bad this evening things are going pretty good and I'm feeling pretty good. I'm tired I'm not sure why I'm tired all the time but I have been sleeping a lot. I should probably sign off for now before someone catches me at what I'm doing not that what I'm doing is bad but I just don't want someone reading what I'm writing.

Sleep Sleep and more Sleep!

2010-06-30T11:30:00.005-04:00

I have been tired the past few days and have spent most of the time sleeping. I don't know what that is all about. I did finish my book and started another one called The Dark Land by Andrew Salmon. It is a different book but so far interesting. I'm feeling not to bad today except sleeping most of the time. I work this evening only a short week this week which is great I don't have any plans for my four days off except go to a meeting on Saturday and dinner, it will be interesting. I'm looking forward to the short weeks but not so much the time off. Well I shouldn't be tired for my shift this evening. I just made a quick call to my sister and not much has changed there, she is still looking for a job. She sounded a little bit down today I hope she gets something soon. Well I don't really know what to do right now maybe a little more reading. I'll write later on.

Nap this afternoon.

2010-06-29T16:45:00.003-04:00

I feel like I wasted the day but then I was tired and did a lot of reading today. I didn't make it to a meeting it meant going out and meeting people today and I don't think that I could have. I have to go to my sisters for dinner and I don't really feel like doing that but I should. I'll write later on.

Well I had supper at my sisters with my parents there. It's strange they are divorced and they still will get together at my sisters for dinner. I don't understand because all they do is fight. They started tonight and I just said I hope we're going to have a happy dinner which stopped the argument and it was fairly pleasant. I was only there for an hour and that was enough for me I needed to get out of there. I need the company tonight but not that bad. So I'm here alone again I should finish my book. There is a nice breeze this evening I feel like doing something but don't know what to do.

Made it to my appointment!

2010-06-28T12:28:00.006-04:00

I went to my appointment today and was able to talk about what goes on in my head. I don't know if that was a good thing or not. Basically she told me that they are only thoughts and that I need to change my thinking. If I could do that then I wouldn't be going to her. It's easier said then done. I don't know what she thinks about my suicidal thinking, some times I think that she doesn't believe me when I tell her about it. Do I need to act on my thoughts to prove that I'm suicidal will people then believe me once I'm dead. I'm trying to do everything I can to stay alive and I just want these thoughts to stop. There are times when I think that the only way I can or will be able to stop them is by overdosing. I know I sound like a broken record but then I guess that is what I am. That is why they call them chronic suicidal thoughts. She told me that I need to find a will to live and I don't have one. Nothing has changed I still don't want to be here but I keep trying for her and for my son. I just want it to be ok with them that I kill myself and that they would understand that everyone would understand the pain that I go through every day several times a day. I guess I'm crazy and there is no help for me that they will never stop it is some thing that I will have to live with. I get tired of trying to fight and I just wonder when I will give up the fight. I'm actually not that down today and I still have the thoughts. I should let her have this sight and she would know or have some idea what goes on in my head. I try to tell her and I just can't seem to get it across. All I want is for it to stop. Well I just got off the phone from a friend that it's a guy and who goes to the same meetings that I do and I said that I would go to the meeting on Saturday with him and have dinner with him before we go. Then I'm going to open up the meeting the next weekend for them and that will be good for me to get active and try and get out of my head. I do try and it just doesn't work. Where does it bring me back to, I know I need to change my thinking. Think happy thoughts do something that I enjoy doing. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know any more. Why can't I stop them? All I want is a break from them and enjoy life which I don't enjoy any more. I found my mind wandering as we were talking, thinking to myself you really don't understand me and if you only knew what was going through my head right now you would commit me. It was an odd feeling. It takes everything that I have not to act on my thoughts.

Well I went to my sisters this afternoon and had supper there. It helped me get out of my head and it worked for the afternoon. I feel not to bad this evening and I am trying to think positive. Well I don't really know what else to write so I should probably stop before I start getting negative do a little reading for now and try and finish my book.

I gave my sponsor a call and I'm going to a meeting tomorrow with her which will be great I need a meeting and get back into the swing of things. I have to take away with me all the positive things about the meetings. I had forgotten that I can talk to my sponsor about anything that she knows about my depression my suicidal thoughts there isn't to much that she doesn't understand and that I can't talk to her about. I need to talk to her more often then I do. I should look out my books and see if I can't find them and get working on the steps again. I'm not pushing AA but I have to do something and it is like group sessions so it's time to get back and get active. Well I have found all my books except the Twelve and Twelve. I'll have to buy one tomorrow. It's time to get working the program and work it for my depression now that is what is holding me back in my life and it's time that I take a hold of it and fix this problem. Well it has given me something to think about this evening other then myself.

Looked at my Financial Plan for 2010!

2010-06-27T12:36:00.003-04:00

Well as long as I don't have any more surprises I should be able to stick to my financial plan and get through this ruff spot that I'm in. It looks not to bad and certainly manageable. This gives me hope and makes my life a little easier. All this does is give me a peace of mind and with that I'm not worrying about what is going to happen over the next few months. I'll be able to get everything sorted out by September. It's nice to be able to make long term plans and know that I'll get through it. The way my mind works I don't have to many long term plans I try to just live one day at a time and keep is simple. At least now I'll be able to do that and not worry so much about the future. Life right this moment looks pretty good and I have to remember that it is like that. That life is good and I will get through it. It will be tight for the next couple of months but I'm used to that and then things will look a little brighter. Well I'm feeling not to bad right now that I have my life figured out and it will work.

Well this was my last weekend to work for two months I'll be working part time for the summer and I'm looking forward to it. I'll only be working Wednesday, Thursday and Fridays. It will be nice I haven't worked part time in 20 years. It will be good and I plan on taking the time to relax. It's raining out right now and it great to listen to the rain. I feel pretty good tonight it was a little ruff at work a couple of times but I was able to get through them and now I'm home. I'm not tired but I should really be getting to sleep maybe do a little bit of reading first have a couple of smokes then go to bed. I feel like writing but don't really know what to write. It's been a pretty good weekend only a few time was I down and my mind wandered all over the place I was able to keep it under control pretty good I did have to take some talwin when I was at work just to numb things and it does work it just helped me get through the shift with out losing my mind. It feels good to have everything under control money wise and to know that I can get my glasses in two weeks. Well I should really stop writing and get to bed. I really don't have much to say. I don't feel like getting to deep just keep things light so I should quit while I'm ahead.

Back to bed for a nap this morning!

2010-06-25T11:15:00.002-04:00

I needed the sleep I have stayed up all week so far and I needed the extra sleep. So I feel pretty good this morning because I haven't had a chance to let my mind wander. I work this evening as well so it should be a good day. I haven't been able to quit smoking and I don't think that I will be able to do that right now. It's something that I'll work at and one day I'll quit. Well I'm not sure what to write about today but then I say that every day and usually end up writing a lot. Last night I just couldn't stop writing and was able to get a lot out. Some of the thoughts that go through my head. I have down loaded Shortcover on my cell phone so now I'm able to read books on my cell phone it's pretty neat, it's part of Kobo which is an ereader I don't know if that is how you spell it but they have some old classics that you can down load for free and books that you can buy as well, recent ones which is great. I'm reading one now by Jane Austen Pride and Prejudice. It's not bad an easy read. Well I should really take the dog out and start getting ready for work I'll try and write later on this evening when I get home.