Not a good week last week.

I really have nothing to complain about but my week was crap. I couldn't stop the suicidal thoughts. I don't know if it was that I didn't have an appointment last week but I lost it a couple of times and I was ready to take my last Olanzipine on Sunday just to try and stop my mind instead I smoked a joint. I don't know what has gotten into me but something isn't right. This morning I have taken my Talwin instead and that has worked I have taken 3 already. I'm going crazy and I don't know how to stop it. I have moved in with my boyfriend as well. Actually I have been there for about 3 weeks now and I don't really know what to make of that either. Just a quick note I'm at work right now and I just thought that I would write quickly just to say that I'm still alive and kicking. My boyfriend doesn't have the internet so I'll try and do my writing at work on my lunch hour or before I start work one or the other. It's just as easy writing at work if not easier then writing at home. At least I have a bit of privacy here where at home I don't. I have my appointment with my Psychiatrist after work today and we will see how that goes. I really don't know what to do with my life right now it just doesn't seem to be working right. I just feel up in the air about my life and what is going on. I guess smoking pot doen't really help but it does at the time. It just relaxes the mind and I'm able to forget about everything that is going on around me. Sort of like my talwin. It just gives my that Oblivion that I'm looking for and makes it difficult for me to concentrate. Which isn't so good at work but at home it is wonderful. I have even moved my dog into my boyfriends place. It is just a bachelor pad but we get along quite well and haven't had any problems so far. I never would have thought that I would have found anyone after my husband dying but I have, I don't know if the relationship is good for me or not but it seems to be working right now.